Random Acts of Commentary

Disney's lost control, Dating data, Truth in Advertising, Picking at the scab of Federer -Nadal etc.

2012-01-27T14:07:00.000-08:00

A DATING PROFILE I TALKED SOMEONE OUT OF USING:

I am nice, smart, funny and sweet but will try my best to be the asshole you secretly want me to be.

FRAMING DESIRABILITY: DATING DATA IN FOCUS:

There is a dating site that prizes itself on enhancing the probability of successful matches through sophisticated analysis of the data users provide via extensive questionnaires. A guy who is a friend of someone who works there told me about an interesting finding related to the analysis of the site's meta data. They found that well over half of the people who rate highest in terms of attractiveness were photographed using the exact same kind of camera. (They can determine which kind of camera was used by looking at subtle differences in the the aspect ratio, the borders, the resolution etc.) In any event, the company interprets this as meaning that we are hard wired (or socially conditioned) to find the images produced by a certain kind of lens or camera to be more appealing than those produced by other cameras. In fact, this guy who works there suggested to the guy who told me about this that, if he ever set up a profile on the site, he should definitely use that camera!

My hypothesis about this was different. I think that people who are very attractive probably have shared brand loyalties (an iPhone for digital pix? A Leica or Nikon for 35 mm? A Hasselblad for medium format?: Objects and brands that connote beauty, elegance, sophistication etc.) or, more likely, have similar social access to professional photographers (who, of course, almost always use Leica or Nikon for 35 mm and Hasselblads for medium format images). In any event, my point was not to attribute the striking finding to the attractiveness -enhancing power of a particular lens but rather to the common attributes (in terms of social access and brand preference) among exceptionally attractive members of the population. I have no idea which interpretation is right. But, if I'm wrong, I gots to get me one them there magic flattering lenses and turn myself into the online dating magnet I was born to be.

DISNEY DIVISION: OR CHE BENZ HAS COMPANY! (Hat tip, M.F.)

Check out this story of Disney's evidently unwitting appropriation of Joy Division. A crazy collision of band and brand. Crazier than Daimler Benz appropriating Che Guevara.

Call it Joy Disnision.

http://thelook.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/26/10243930-of-mice-and-merch-disney-t-shirt-rankles-rock-fans

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING: (Both, hat tip to that self-same M.F.)

And this truth in movie poster advertising treat, featuring the Oscar Nominated film White People Solve Racism with the Oscar Worthy tagline "You're welcome, black people!"

http://gawker.com/5879911/what-if-posters-for-oscar+nominated-movies-told-the-truth

LFAQ:

Wouldn't it be fun to stand between the Boehner and the Biden in your mind and hold forth to the captive congress, court and nation?

OBSERVATION:

A propos of James Surowiecki's nice little expose on the scams of the Private Equity world: We need more well educated people willing to be traitors to their class.

FEDERER-NADAL:

At this point, let's face it. It's not a rivalry. It's the memory of a rivalry. It's like the Knicks thinking they are in a rivalry with the Celtics. Or more like the Washington Generals thinking they're in a rivalry with the Harlem Globetrotters. Sad, but true. Does not diminish Fed's greatness as a player but it slightly tarnishes the greatness of his legacy. It's simply a match-up that he can't solve. And yet.. and yet...

FURTHER REFLECTIONS:

While this is not poetry, it share something with Wordsworth's description of that expressive form. (Emotion recollected in tranquility). Well, that was actualy pretentiously and imprecisely put. (Double penalty: Ten yards. Oops another flag for mangled metaphor. Suddenly Vegas is looking at a very long field...and he hasn't even begun talking about the subject at hand...). Anyhow, I want to say a few more words about the Federer-Nadal match, now that a bit of time has passed and the wound is not so raw. The truth is, the match was as encouraging as it was devastating. I liked Federer's attacking strategy. I liked the use of hard backhands up the line to try to open up space for the cross court forehand. I liked seeing him taking the ball early on the backhand side and hitting over it rather than slicing it. Strange to say, but I like that Federer more lost the match than that Nadal won it. Indeed, even after the odd post fireworks malaise, Federer had his chances to win this thing, but unforced errors (more than Nadal's brilliance) got in the way. (Ironically, most of his errors were on his usually bulletproof forehand side from dominant positions in the rally.) That gives reason for hope. The strategy was good. The opportunities were there.

Cahill and McEnroe are right. When the two of these guys meet, Nadal has a much clearer, simpler readily executable game plan. He is always trying to do the same thing (Serve high kick serves to Roger's backhand on the ad court, hit high heavy topspin forehands to Roger's backhand during the rally.) And he does it very very well. Roger has too many options and often tries to mix in too many tactical ploys. This occasionally leaves him rudderless and indecisive in the key moments. He doesn't have the simple, practiced, habit of mind to execute a certain shot in a clutch moment against Nadal. For Rafa, knowing what to do against Federer is second nature.

Anyhow, crushing loss. But it really felt like it was a function of Roger making errors more than Nadal making great shots. This is perversely a promising sign, as the errors were at least made in the attempt to be aggressive and execute the largely successful game plan he employed. Perhaps I'm just fooling myself...but I think perhaps...just perhaps...just perhaps...it will become a real rivalry again.

DEFERRED ITEM:

Cruel memory of an actual headline I meant to post on Wednesday that (ostensibly) linked two recent themes on the blog. (Couldn't bring myself to post it in yesterday's post -loss, waking up at dusk depression.

Fed and Apple restart Wall Street's advance

LFAQ:

Over the remainder of their careers, will Federer have more success against Nadal than Nadal will have against Djokovic?

RIP

Juan Epstein.

Ugh.

2012-01-26T12:54:00.000-08:00

NOT MAGNIFICENT:

Another crushing, agonizing loss for Federer against Nadal. I really thought he could do it this time. The only upside: It was not the Finals, so I didn't have to see him cry.

Waking up when it's almost dark.

MAGNIFICENT:

Can't think of anything at the moment.

OVERHEARD IN A BAR:

"He is too drunk to understand the cogency of my argument."

-A Drunk guy

OVERHEARD IN MY HEAD:

Salt, pepper, oil, vinegar, and a landing strip of Chipotle Sauce.

SUGGESTED BAND NAME OR BOOK TITLE:

God's Alibi

THOUGHT:

Ultimately, we are all named Man.

GUEST LFAQ: (Hat tip, J.M.)

Is it ok to go to a costume party dressed as Prince William dressed as a nazi?

COMEDY IDEA:

Two guys getting into a fistfight over Kenny G.

ONION-ESQUE (SHALLOT-LIKE) HEADLINE OF THE DAY:

Apple now officially has shitload of cash.

APPOSITE ITEM:

Yes, Anonymouses. I read that article about the human cost of an iPad last night and was going to post the link here. Thank you for beating me to it.

I was going to post it under my Journal of the Ambivalent Investor heading and say that it's a powerful reminder of how our consumer fetishism allows us to mask the specific (and often lamentable) truths behind the process of production. Marx wrote brilliantly about this (under the heading of commodity fetishism.)--although I think he gave short shrift to the essential human propensity towards creating objects of desire, at any cost. This article also reminds us of the importance of independent, vigilant, investigative journalism in forcing us to confront the uncomfortable tensions and contradictions in our society. (In this case, getting us to face a hidden ugly truth behind a beautiful magic toy; a worm, if you will, within the shiny Apple.).

CONFESSION:

None ot these little fragments of thought and comedy has managed to alleviate the crushing non magnificence referenced at the start of the post.

Go Mets!!

3:44 a.m. Here we go!

2012-01-26T00:45:00.001-08:00

That's it for now. Very tired. But very awake. Allez!

4:41 a.m. Whew. Some shaky moments after a stellar start but Federer holds on to win the tiebreak. I like that he's sticking to an aggressive strategy. Taking the ball early. Attacking the backhand. Coming to net.

5:22 a.m. After breaking at love in the first game it's been pretty much all downhill for Roger in this set. Nadal being more assertive. Pushing Federer around the court. Hitting some ridiculous passing shots. I don't like the look of this. I feel I've seen this movie before. Albeit never at sunrise. A break now for Australia Day fireworks with Nadal up 5-2. Fireworks now over. Nadal breaks Federer at love (cruel symmetry) to end the set. They are tied. I am tired.

5:31.a.m. Roger has lost 11 straight points since the fireworks. He looks lethargic and out of sorts. The wheels are coming off the bus. Ok. Getting a little mojo back. Fights off three break points to hold. 1-1 in the third. Still looks kind of sullen and dispirited. Like he's lost confidence in his game plan or his game period.

5:46. I am getting perilously close to being too tired to care. C'mon Fed. Wake me back up.

6:00 Roger with the break. Teddy back awake!

6:03 Roger takes a nap. Nadal breaks right back. Crap.

6:28 Roger self destructs in tiebreak. Blogger going to sleep.

A few midweek thoughts, scribbled in haste...

2012-01-25T16:02:00.000-08:00

NOT MAGNIFICENT:

Another Wednesday without basketball.

MAGNIFICENT:

Federer-Nadal at 3:30 a.m.!!

MISREADING:

I saw a headline "Stocks jump on Fed news" and I immediately thought they were talking about Federer.

LFAQ:

Do you want to start having a seat? (Someone actually asked me this today.)

NUMBER:

13.9% Mitt Romney's effective tax rate in 2010 on the over $40 million dollars he made.

REMINDER:

The rules are skewed to facilitate wealth creation for the wealthy. Not even abstractly through the logic of social networks but concretely through the tax code (in the form of preferential capital gains rates etc.). Class warfare is always already going on. It's just when one points this out that it gets called "Class Warfare."

CONCEPT:

Asymmetrical polarization. From the New Yorker article about Obama's political evolution. His subtle transformation from being a post-partisan accommodating consensus builder to a more assertive tactician. From a wimp to a warrior. Etc. Anyhow, asymmetrical polarization was the term given to the way Republicans have shifted far more to the right than Democrats have shifted to the left. An independent, politically neutral, group of analysts determined (by some allegedly objective criteria) that the conservative shift to right has been 6 times as significant as the liberal shift to the left. No surprise there. Just nice to have a new term for it. And, hey. I'm a sucker for anything with "asymmetrical" in it. Except, not always a fan of the asymmetrical nose. Makes breathing hard.

ISSUE:

Underlying Obama's appeal to American companies to bring jobs back to the U.S. is the problematic reality that, in the global age, international corporations have no ultimate fealty to the nation state in which they are ostensibly based. They serve their shareholders--not their countries. And they serve these shareholders by making as much profit as possible--however they can and wherever they can.

Obviously, there is some merit in trying to shift the incentive structure (i.e. the tax code) to bring the goal of domestic job creation into alignment with the corporations' goal of maximizing profits for shareholders. But there is a core underlying tension (or, often, conflict) which cannot be overlooked.

OBSERVATION:

Only Landry can keep D'Antonioni from becoming a lost Passenger or from a fatal Blow Up.

MINI MIND F-CK:

I clicked the link below enthusiastically to read my tennis porn. "Previewing Federer-Nadal Preview" the title beckoned on NYT.com. I clicked it and while the title remained in English, the entire article was in some indecipherable kibble. Like a hybrid between code and Czech. Anyhow, I felt predictably thwarted. Then I clicked on another article and encountered the same kind of unreadability. Then this happened with a third link. Was there some virus that had seeped through the internet to paralyze our culture? To mock and thwart our habits of information consumption? To virtually amputate our body electric? No, turns out it wasn't. Or if it was, it passed quickly. But the brief repeated experience of textual scrambling gave me an intimation of just how profound the effect of that kind of a cyber attack would be.

Anyhow, intimations of Cybergeddon notwithstanding, I finally accessed the article in plain, readily intelligible English and I present it for your enjoyment below.

Go Roger!!!

http://straightsets.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/01/25/previewing-federer-vs-nadal/

The State of the Apple, The State of the (Dis) Union, The State of John Kerry's Face Etc.

2012-01-24T20:59:00.000-08:00

JOHN KERRY'S FACE:

Is this bruised and discolored visage a portrait of democracy in the age of corporate personhood? A representation of bipartisanship in an era of ideological extremism? A metaphor for authenticity in the age of authenticitude? A symbol of clumsiness in the age of John Kerry? Was the man facially swift boated? Does he look more or less scary than usual?

LFAQs:

What garnered more attention: The State of the Apple (in the form of their blockbuster earnings report today) or The State of the Union?

Apple shares went up over 30 dollars after the earnings were announced. Should shareholders interpret this as "Steve Who?" or should they think "Oh wow. Steve Jobs left me something in his Will!"?

Boehner seemed particularly miserable sitting behind Obama tonight. Was that because he sold his Apple shares before the earnings report?

What percentage of iPhones have been used to download porn?

In total: Have more apps been downloaded or more porn video clips?

Given the rise of State Capitalism as the economic model for our times, is the afore-referenced Che-Benz beret an inadvertent icon of the zeitgeist? A symbol of the inadmissible envy western corporations feel for state protection? Is "free market" capitalism converging with state capitalism via our unacknowledged hybridization of privatized gains and socialized losses? (More on this some other time...) Do these questions make any sense in their loosely sketched out form?

SCENE OF A BATTLE:

This is the sole cushioned chair at the Spring Street Starbucks. It is where Theodore Vegas sat and felt the forces of a grande Blonde Roast caffeination-delivery vehicle do metabolic battle with the forces of comfiness-enhanced late afternoon fatigue. Sleepiness won (was the outcome ever in doubt?)--as your faithful blogger succumbed to a delightful little nap--his furry hat-clad head drooped forward in a what I imagine was a slightly undignified manner. I suggested to them that they use the chair to gage the proper caffeine content in their drinks (comfy chair tolerance: the new Starbucks standard!)...and I offered myself as a sit and sip guinea pig. I think the work would suit me.

MAGNIFICENT:

The Australians boooing Tomas Berdych for his refusal to shake his opponent's hand after the match. Love the Aussie affirmation of sportsmanship uber alles. (Hat tip to our old friend, the extremely handsome john newcombe.)

Federer eliminating one of the two hardest hitters on the tour and Nadal (looking magnificent himself) eliminating the other--thus setting up the semi-final everyone's been looking forward to. Bring it! (Watching Federer play, it seemed inconceivable that anyone could beat him. Watching Nadal play a few hours later, it seemed inconceivable that anyone not named Djokovic could beat him. Gonna be a hell of a battle. Kinda like the kind that went on within me in the above referenced chair. Just hope Federer plays the role of the fatigue and not the caffeination.)

Landry "The Canary in the Coal Mine" Fields shining again in another of the Knicks' rare cohesive dominant team performances. The leading indicator of the team's offensive health scored 18 points to Carmelo's 1 (!) and, of greater importance, had by far the best +/- rating on the team.

Word that, in 15 minutes, Roger Federer and Rod Laver are going to be visiting with the Australian Open announcers to discuss ...who cares what?!?! It's freaking Roger Federer and Rod Laver!!!

STATE OF THE (DIS) UNION:

Obama getting his mojo back, Barry getting his Barack back. A nice mix of pragmatism and populism. Finally sick of the obstructionist bad faith. The intransigent ideologues. Speaking some simple sensible sustainable truth and in essence saying, in his eloquent and gracious way, "Suck it, bitches." I like it. The opposition has had nothing but contempt for his high-minded post partisan posturings. For his spirit of concilation and compromise. He finally realizes it's a fight to the death. Not a partnership for the collective good. And he's in it to win it. (I gather there is an article about his better late than never political awakening in the New Yorker this week and I look forward to reading it.)

Interesting in light of the State of the Apple vs. State of the Nation question that the Dems in the Obama speech and the Republicans in their Minority Response both tried to affiliate themselves with the example of Steve Jobs.

SIGN OF THE TIMES:

The monetization of the Housing Works Cafe in Soho. I used to go there on late Thursday afternoons and was charmed by the old world bookstore ambience and the affordable drinks and sandwiches. It seemed one of the few little patches of Manhattan that had not been completely subsumed by the insidious logic of capital. It was blessedly unoptimized. Unmaximized. Unmonetized. That said, the last 10 times I've gone by there on Thursdays, I've found it closed for fancy private parties and affairs. In other words, appropriated by the the forces of money as a precious (high status) symbol of trans-monetary value. In other words, gone.

2012-01-23T23:47:00.000-08:00

MAGNIFICENCE!

Roger! Playing better than I've ever seen him. Seriously. A better return of serve. A better backhand up the line. An even more complete set of tools in his bag of tricks. (Was that a mixed up metaphor? Who cares! It's 3 a.m.!) Really really impressive showing. Even by his lofty standards of magnificence. He completely took apart Del Potro--artfully chipping and chopping down the big tree even though the big tree was moving beautifully and hitting the cover off the ball from both wings. (Not even the trees in Macbeth moved so well.)

An amazing 1000th career match by Federer. Here's to the next 1000!

SUMMARY:

Experiencing the transcendent greatness of Roger Federer, the true excellence of Kim Clijsters and the utter inanity of Brad Gilbert. No, that's not fair. He says a few astute things. I am just responding to his insufferable chipperness of spirit. And I'm still pissed at him for trying to have me removed from the adjacent section when I was one of only two people volubly rooting for Patrick Rafter when he played Andre Agassi (his charge/client) at the U.S. Open back in the day.

LFAQ:

Is the vintage scratchy sounding recording of Robert Frost's "Stopping By Woods on Snowy Evening" in that truck commercial, actually a vintage recording or Robert Frost reading ("The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.") or just an artful simulation? A triumph of authenticitude? Would Robert Frost have approved?

Roger!!!!!!

And, no: Don't want to jinx him. Nadal, Djokovic and Murray are all playing amazing tennis too. He could easily lose in the next round. Just trying to affirm the magnificence of the moment.

2012-01-23T19:42:00.000-08:00

LFAQs:

Why is there no expression "Some of a sudden?"

Who is feeling worse today: The 49-er fumbler or the Raven Field Goal Misser?

No comment on how much they suck of late, but, during this blackout, shouldn't MSG rename the Knicks (Aka, The New York Nugget). the New York Unwatchables?

Does even Rory McIlroy think that Caroline Wozniaki (his girlfriend) is a legitimate World #1 tennis player?

Will the discovery of ancient Jewish scrolls in Northern Afghanistan help or hurt Semitic-Islamic relations? http://news.yahoo.com/ancient-jewish-scrolls-found-north-afghanistan-144850424.html

Am I seriously going to stay up till 6. a.m. again to watch this Federer-Del Potro agon?

PROMOTION AND NOTION:

Oh my goodness. The Chipotle Fluffer might have to host his first ever Super Bowl Party! (Anyone have a big place where I can host it???) :)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/23/chipotle-super-bowl-promotion_n_1223789.html?ref=food

REQUEST FOR FEEDBACK:

I have to come up with a name for my copywriting/idea generation/branding company so I can stick it on some business checks and make it all official. Here are some candidates. Are we feeling any of them?

Number A

PH Hoodie (For, of course, the Post-Historical Hoodie(

Bartleby & Bonobo

Unbrandable

Stellar Debris

Uncommon

Other

Verbal

Sudden Sky

Second Sky

Orpheus Jones

Bonobo Rex

And the leading contender--for convenience sake, since I already have the url and since it was the original name of this blog:

Digital Napkins.

MAGNIFICENT:

The "What am I supposed to do?" look on Bernard Tomic's face last night, when he looked to his box at Rod Laver stadium during his match with Roger Federer. BTW: His girlfriend definitely brought her A game...even if Bernard did not. (Well, maybe he did bring his A game, but, sadly for him, Federer also brought his.)

D'Antonioni, Newticide, The Lazy Ass Deer and a bunch of sports stuff

2012-01-23T09:57:00.000-08:00

MAGNIFICENT:

T-Wolves Clippers having higher ratings than Celtics-Lakers.

Fed's comprehensive beat down of Tomic. A master class. A clinic. A thing of beauty Once he probed and figured out that the young Aussie didn't have the weapons to really hurt him, he got into his ever expanding comfort zone, found his flow and played a ridiculous level of tennis. This of course gives no indication of how he will play against the resurgent Del Potro who has many many ways to hurt him. But it was beautiful to watch. Del Potro will be a huge test for Fed. Another beast along the path.

Finding out that a woman I know has a closet full of old Ben Sherman short sleeve shirts that she is looking to get rid of. And they fit me! (Now, if she only had some post historical hoodies for me too!)

NOT MAGNIFICENT:

The magnificent Dirk sitting out 4 games so he can work on conditioning. WTF?

http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/news;_ylt=ApQflVkK1tW8Z6aEiIU01zE5nYcB?slug=ap-mavericks-nowitzki

That I still can't normalize the spacing or the font!

NEITHER HERE NOR THERE WITH RESPECT TO MAGNIFICENCE BUT PRETTY FREAKING FUNNY:

The Lazy Ass Deer! The true American hero. Fall off the chair funny.

LFAQ:

Lazy ass deer or smart ass deer?

WORD FERRET WORD OF THE DAY:

"Uncreated" 32 points.

REASONS FOR HOPE:

Enlightened self interest. The younger generation. The bankers have children. Etc.

Speaking of enlightened self-interest or the lack thereof.

FURTHER KNICKS-NUGGET REFLECTIONS:

Intelligence matters. D'Antoni and Carmelo do not evince much of it. Landry does. George Karl does. Even freaking Timofey (Lurch) Mozgov does. (I'm speaking of basketball intelligence...)

Check out the despondent post game ramblings of Carmelo:

“When you’re missing shots and they’re right there and they’re not going in, you say `Maybe the next one, maybe the next one.’ That’s kind of the mentality that you have. But maybe I need to stop shooting a lot, I don’t know. It’s just a bunch of stuff that goes through my mind right now.”

The dawning of wisdom or just some post game cerebral gas? I'm betting it's the latter. The dude has not shown much capacity to learn. (And D'Antoni has not shown much capacity to teach.)

The game (Denver Knicks versus NY Nugget) was a referendum on Dolan versus Walsh.

Dolan is an ass clown. An idiot. And a fool.

Like I say: Intelligence matters. (See that video of the deer above!)

CONCEPT:

D'Antonioni. The arty existential basketball coach. (In truth, the Mustache of Mediocrity does resemble a Passenger more than a captain.)

FOOTBALL:

Both Giants and Pats got extremely lucky (Manning twice averted interceptions when Niner defenders blindsided each other as both were about to catch the ball and Brady had 2 interceptions called back because of penalties.) but it's the Super Bowl rematch that the world wants to see--and I am a wee bit psyched. Feel bad for Ed Reed, Ray Lewis and Co, though. The old lions and soon to be HOF-ers probably just saw their last best chance to get a ring pass them by. Also feel bad for that Niner punt returner who fumbled like 127 times and is no doubt on suicide watch. (I know he wouldn't use a gun, cause he'd probably drop it before getting the shot off.)

AUSTRALIAN OPEN:

Wow, Tsonga sure wasn't doing that exuberant jig of his last night after being eliminated by the emerging Japanese star, Nishikori. Now the world awaits the thunder that will be Federer-Del Potro. My prediction: The winner of that match will get past Nadal (or Berdych) and make it to the Finals where he will meet...Andy Murray. In the shocker of shockers, Murray--under the guidance of Ivan Lendl--will give the impregnable-seeming Djokovic all he can handle and perhaps then some. I don't really see him beating Novak. But I think he has a shot. Murray is playing the best tennis of his life right now. (And, yeah, unfortunately, so is ND.).

Roger had a couple of interesting things to say when he came by to chat with the announcers Pat McEnroe and Chris Evert between matches. The main thing that struck me as revealing was that, in practice, he prefers to work on his strengths instead of his weaknesses. He said that people will force you to work on your weaknesses (i.e. his backhand) by mercilessly trying to exploit them in the course of matches, so you will simply have to learn to improve in those areas just to survive. But during practice he likes to work towards improving/perfecting the aspects of his game that are already very strong. Interesting. And befitting of a great front runner slash perfectionist.

LFAQs: (Hat tip, R.M.)

Are the Repiblucans committing Newticide.?

RIP

Joe Paterno. Joe Pa Thetic. Sad. Died of complications related to cancer and Sandusky. Penn State. From a State of Denial. To a State of Shock. To a state of Mourning. Quite something.

Saturday Evening Post: After long absence...(Now with Bonus Post Game P.S.!!)

2012-01-21T16:30:00.000-08:00

NOTE TO READERS:

Sorry to have been AWOL. Just was busy with a wide range of other unproductive (or marginally productive) activities.

CAPITALISM IN CRISIS:

http://finance.yahoo.com/blogs/daily-ticker/capitalism-crisis-either-dems-gop-solution-174655678.html

Check it! Fundamental questions are being raised about what we mean by Capitalism--in the context of rising income inequality and slowing growth in the Western economies. An interesting exploration of the fundamental contradictions within the status quo. Basically, we have never had to confront what "capitalism" means in a world without the promise of endlessly expanding opportunity. In other words: In a world where our sloppy, magical thinking (intellectual laziness) and sense of eternal exceptionalism is challenged by the intransigent socio-economic realities of 21st century life. Time for a real discussion to be had, real choices to be made, real consequences to be faced. All too exciting!!

(Capitalism: Little boys acting like big swinging dicks who want mommy to bail them out every time they get a boo boo in the playground of reality. Capitalism: Incompatible ideas held--loosely and sloppily-- under the same term. Capitalism: Now available in a wide range of pastels. Capitalism: Pass the word!)

APPOSITE ITEM:

On a more important note: I finally tried the new Blonde Roast coffee at Starbucks! Tastes kinda like what coffee used to taste like. (Which unfortunately, now tastes a bit like water after slowly getting accustomed to the super burnt swill that they serve there.) As usual, I feel both ruined and well catered to by consumerism.

LFAQ:

iPhone uber alles?

REAL ESTATE:

Porn Stars leaving LA.

There goes the neighborhood! (Damn, And i was really thinking of moving there!)

http://news.yahoo.com/porn-industry-mulls-leaving-la-condoms-required-095300909.html

GUEST OBSERVATION: On The Origin of Manners. (A Guest reflection, courtesy of R.J.M.)

"Like how I politely let the attractive young women head down the subway stairs before me only to immediately look at her ass, leading me to wonder if our mores are more immoral or about convenience which led me to think of how conservative societies - ultraorthodox Jews, Conservative Islam, ask the women to walk well behind the men. This is not about patriarchy but rather about lechery."

HOST OBSERVATION:

Like a cross between Nietzsche's On The Genealogy of Morals (ok, R.J.M., I flatter you) pretty much every other text message I get from R.J.M.

MAGNIFICENT:

Baghdatis breaks 4 rackets in a row down under--as seen in the following, lovingly curated tennis Diptych:

APPOSITE ITEM:  
The original Joe Willie  just wants to kiss...the Ravens and the Niners goodbye.
http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nfl-shutdown-corner/joe-namath-playoff-blog-conference-championship-edition-024919034.html
MORE MAGNIFICENCE:
Obama channeling Al Green:

http://news.yahoo.com/video/politics-15749652/obama-channels-al-green-at-apollo-theater-27941175.html

GUEST PRAXIS OF PROTEST:  ON THE JAMMING OF THE CODES AT STARBUCKS.  (Courtesy of S.M.)

"My new game at Starbucks:  Rather than jam their system by ordering a "large," I order a fettucini with an extra shot."

HOST ADD ON:Taking the lead from my friend, I ordered a tall linguine with an extra honey and room for milk.  By the way:  It was quite delicious.  But not quite as exciting as the Blonde Roast!!!!!!  Did I mention I finally tried that?!?!?

MORE MAGNIFICENCE:

The Federer-Tomic match tomorrow. Generational battle.  Reminds me a bit of Federer-Sampras at Wimbledon in 2002 or 2003.  Although, in this one, I hope the old bull prevails over  the young buck.  Yes, pulling, of course, for Roger, but really really like Tomic's awkward and artful game.  In fact, he and Dolgopolov (whom he bested in a thrilling 5 setter the other night) are the two young players I most enjoy watching.

The Gallinari-Melo match-up tonight.  The Denver Knicks return to show the New York Nuggets what they gave up.  The Knicks have been playing like Nuggets of late.  The kind that float in a bowl.  No flow.  No mojo.  No signs of improvement.  Carmello keeps gunning.  Landry keeps getting marginalized.  D'Antoni keeps confirming his synecdochal identity as The Mustache of Mediocrity.  And that might, in fact, be flattering.


LFAQ:
Is that the first time "synecdochal" has ever been used in connection to Mike D'Antoni?  (I sure hope so!  Then my life would have meaning!)

Ricky Rubio.  9 pts.  8 assists.  7 rebounds.  6 steals.  (A near hoopic straight flush) Then,  in the next game, being 0-10 from the field but still having the cajones to take and the aplomp to make a game-tying 3 with seconds remaining.  Dude is fun to watch. And the name is fun to say.  Ricky Rubio!APPOSITE ITEM:Did I mention I finally tried the blonde roast at Starbucks?!?!?!?!!
NOT MAGNIFICENT:
I can't get the fucking spacing to work with the preceding items.  I've been tweaking and reposting it for over an hour and I fucking give up!  I even tried erasing and retyping the whole fucking section!  (Intractable fucking type!  Fucking 2.0 bullshit!!!!)
APOLOGIES:
For the preceding, uncharacteristic New Yorker-esque Baghdatis-like outburst.

NOTEWORTHY:

Americans down and out under. Not a single American man made it to the 4th round. Interesting that this golden age in men's tennis has coincided with the all-time nadir for American tennis.

REPUBLICAN REACTIONARIES:

The infantile, regressive response (clinging to the warm breast of absolutes; the warm gun-shaped breast, that is) to the anxiety that attends the advent irreversible globalism and resource scarcity.

MOVIES:

Saw Pina. (The Wenders tribute to the recently departed avante garde dancer and choreographer Pina Bausch.) Really beautiful portrait of someone absent through the parts of other people that she helped to make present. Very moving.

A RARE DESCENT INTO GOSSIP:

Paridis Lost for Depp? Read in one of the inescapable gossip items that pop up on Yahoo and Google that Johnny Depp and his mate of many years, Vanessa Paradis, might be calling it quits too. Perhaps that's why, at the Golden Globes, he really looked like he didn't want to suffer Ricky Gervais's foolishness gladly. One of the few entertainment people I really like and admire. Neverland made me cry. Plus he looks just like Faye Dunaway did about 30 years ago.

LFAQ:

In the realm of entertainment, is any gorgeous woman over 40 still coupled?

CURIOUS STATUS UPDATES:

Strangled by Balloons.

Waiting for the session of carnal congress to begin. Sick of the filibustering.

Telling the tyrannical ghost of the absolute that it can kiss my wrinkly sack.

FRAGMENT:

And the barker in his mind says: "Turn away. Turn away. Just keep walking. There are nothing but ghosts here. Nothing but ghosts. Just keep walking."

CODE NAME FOR SMART PHONES:

Amazing little presence destroyers.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT:

Yeah, Teddy Vegas 1.0 hijacked the blog for that little comment.

RANDOM SINGLE SENTENCE FRAGMENT PORTRAIT:

If he got residuals every time he quoted himself...

BONUS P.S.

MAGNIFICENT:

Gallo dominates Melo. Timofey outplays Tyson. Landry has a memory of what it's like to be part of an actual team...and responds by being the Knicks' best all-round player. Good triumphs over evil. The Denver Knicks flush the New York Nugget!

ANd, yeah, I found myself CLEARLY rooting for the old Knicks who were now wearing a Denver jersey instead of the Fucking New York Melos who stood around in both overtimes and watched Carmelo gun up 13 of of their last 14 shots--ending with another Nugget-esque 10-30 shooting performance. What can I say, never liked the guy. Never liked the trade. Like it even less today than I did then. Gallo is simply a better player than Carmelo (largely because he understands the idea of team ball). And the old Knicks were a better team than the new Knicks.

I have a dream...that I wrote a slightly better, longer post.

2012-01-17T11:12:00.000-08:00

COSTANZA CRUISE LINES???

It sounds like George Costanza was the captain of that cruise ship! (Captain Costanza. Has a nice ring to it.) Seriously. Read the transcript in the article below. Oh boy...

http://news.yahoo.com/coast-guard-ordered-ship-captain-back-board-124134509.html

POETRY AND POLITICS:

Charges are surfacing that the great Chilean poet Pablo Neruda did not die of natural causes but was in fact murdered by the powers that be. What is most shocking about this (at least from an American perspective) is not that the Nobel laureate might have been killed but that a poet could be thought to be so dangerous, so relevant, so powerful, so...heard of!!

http://news.yahoo.com/suspicions-rise-pablo-nerudas-death-151735831.html

MLK AFTERMATH: A DREAM DEFERRED:

I have a dream that on a day that's all about the dream of harmony, Carmelo wouldn't have jacked up 27 shots (making 9 of them) in a losing effort.

OBSERVATION:

On a day devoted to the dream of racial harmony and true integration, the three high scorers for the Magic were white. And they only HAVE 3 white players. And none of them is a star. (Reddick, Anderson, Turkolu). Now THAT, my friends, is the MLK Day Miracle. A proud moment for a downtrodden minority! A reason for all us hoopers of palor to keep the dream alive!

NOT MAGNIFICENT:

Stephen Curry Snubbed. Unacceptable. Must've confused him with Eddie.

http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/news;_ylt=Ar.fmBn2hESu231de9JaHVM5nYcB?slug=mc-spears_stephen_curry_team_usa_011612

RANDOM SINGLE SENTENCE PORTRAIT:

Their deepest longing and only wish was to awaken once again within the common dream of day.

SIGN OFF:

My name is Theodore Vegas and I approved this post.

NYG, MLK, NYK, MSG, TWC, LFAQ, ETC.

2012-01-16T10:10:00.000-08:00

GIANTS-PACKERS:

The Giants are everything the Jets are not. First and foremost: Good.

Very impressive effort. Made the cheese heads eat their head cheese. Manning continued his trend of playing best in the biggest games. And the defense came up huge. A crushing loss for America's only civically owned team, despite some egregious home town officiating. The Green Bay running backs and recievers had butterfingers and Aaron Rogers had his worst game in years--missing a wide open receiver for a would-be touchdown early in the game and then a wide open receiver for what would have been a a key 4th quarter first down. The better team won. Good for them!

Both Crabtrees I saw this weekend played like Evelyns.

LFAQ:

Would Eli Manning look like someone's little brother even if we didn't know that he was someone's little brother? And if so, is he the only excellent quarterback in NFL history for whom that is true?

GOLDEN GLOBES:

Really enjoyed watching the crowd during Ricky Gervais's introduction to the show. Their anxious faces registering--with exquisite expressiveness--the tug of war between humorless self regard and reluctant laughter; between disdain and delight; between "who does this little simpering shit think he is--raining on our annual rite of self-congratulation?" and "Ha! That was an irresistibly observed unarguable truth. Gotta give it up." (In fairness, there was also plenty of ""Meh, My bias towards humorless disapproval aside: That was just not that funny."). Elton John's face in particular was great: A mask of fleshy sag and queenly unamusement. Maybe he just resented not being the alpha Brit in the room.

In general--above observation notwithstanding--I think Gervais was a little too tame. He conformed a bit too comfortably (and comfortingly) to the role of the "dangerous" outsider who puts the A-list egos ever so slightly on edge (the celebro-frisson of "oh where is he going with this...?") but is really not dangerous at all. Just another lap dog posing as a wolf.

WTF: Stringer Bell won one!

Like that Woody Allen didn't show up to accept his award. That was even better than Seth Rogan announcing --with sophomoric glee, as he presented with some hot actress--that he was trying to hide a huge erection.

And nothing against Martin Scorcese: But, really? Really. Another freaking award? Another sentimental paean to the medium? Another...whatev. Good for him.

Meryl Steep and Jessica Lange are so incredibly lovely.

And I never realized it, but that Jessica Biel is rather lovely herself.

TEXT EXCHANGE:

-Lecturing mightily on memes. The overuse of the idea. Discount double check vs. Kuhn and the structure of scientific revolutions.

-Be interested to hear your quasi Kuhn-ian rant slash observations slash manly holding forth slash word salad.

-Baco Bits of intellect.

-Ha. Tossed with the vinaigrette of illusory coherence. But I'm sure there are some tasty corn kernels of insight and, of course, the shaved Parmesan of will.

OBSERVATION:

Observation. At least two or three times per Word Ferret session, I will glimpse some combination of letters that triggers an instant, pre -conscious association with a trip I took with my ex girlfriend to Stonington, Maine a few years ago. I feel an instant pang of loss (a quick, subliminal little stab in the heart) without ever quite knowing what word (or inferred word) occasioned it. Then I keep on playing (venturing down other associative pathways) and it passes.

I think there is some evidence here of the linguistically sensitive way in which the unconscious (or at least my unconscious) is structured; its oddly lettered logics. There is also abundant evidence of my addiction to Word Ferret.

MLK DAY REMINDER:

If you are doing laundry today, be sure to mix the colored and the whites in honor of the occasion.

On a less glib note: I think there has been some real progress in black-white race relations in this country over the last few decades. But perhaps it's just that white fear of a black nation has been subsumed by the broader white fear of a non-white (asian, hispanic, and, allah help us, muslim!!!!) nation. Or perhaps the issue of class has, in some important respects, overshadowed the issue of race in our domestic life.

Not sure to what extent the first non white presidency has helped the cause of the Dr.'s dream, but it certainly hasn't hurt it. Political divisiveness aside, repeated exposure to African Americans in positions of power and prominence can only be a good thing for the cause of racial equality. (And yeah: Kinda shoehorned this tepid observation in there as I needed an image for this post and this Dream/Hope diptych was the best thing I could find in the few minutes I had between the washer and dryer phases of my annual MLK tribute.). In general: Dreaming and hoping are good. But being and doing are probably better.

APPOSITE AFFIRMATION:

Speaking of which: I have a dream that one day I will be able to watch white Knicks and black Knicks (and maybe even that asian Knick) play together on TV. (Thanks, MSG and TWC, for the MLK Day snub.)

In any event. Happy MLK Day. Go Knicks! Go Jets! Go Giants! Go Donald Young! Go Roger! Go social justice! Go dreams (and reality) of a better world!

Tebow fans or Rodin fans? The Che-Benz beret or the post-historical hoodie? (And 3.16 other pressing questions of the day.)

2012-01-15T11:33:00.000-08:00

The guys next to me at the bar where I watched the football game. Hard to tell if they were Tebow fans or Rodin Fans. I think it was the latter. From the sound of their periodic monosyllabic roars, they both seemed like Thinkers.

PRETTY BOY VS. JESUS FREAK

3.16 completions, I quipped when it ended. Actually, it turns out that he threw for 136 yards. Did G-d suffer a brief bout of Dyscalculia?

I kept waiting for Tebow to throw a miraculous game winning 45 point touchdown. But it never happened.

Pretty Boy has never played prettier. Amazing.

Football G-d taught G-d boy who is Who.

SAINTS-NINERS:

One of the best games ever. I liked both teams in this battle of America's quaintest major cities--although I guess I was kinda sorta pulling for N.O. because of the aesthetic pleasure of watching Drew Brees pass. Amazing game. Filled with unlikely twists and turns. Funny, I watched with a friend from college. A friend with whom I'd watched some of the great victories of the 49-ers glory years (Including, if memory serves, the game that ended with The Catch.) Anyhow, something in the combination of watching with this friend and the scarcity of playoff associations with the Niners gold and red uniforms in the intervening years, made me keep seeing Alex Smith as Joe Montana, Frank Gore as Roger Craig, Vernon Jackson as Jerry Rice etc. Kind of odd.

Whenever that guy Crabtree dropped a pass, I called him Evelyn--and hence amused myself.

INTERNET ADDICTION:

Just read that Internet addiction disorder (IAD) has been shown to cause the same kind of brain changes that one sees with alcoholism and drug addiction. Guess now I know why I keep feeling a twitch in my nostril when I go to Twitter. Quips aside, it doesn't surprise me--given how insidious the seduction of this ADD instant gratification consciousness can be. Seriously, there's a guy in my weekly basketball game (A sweetheart of a guy who shall remain unnamed, Dan Brassem) with whom I have not had direct eye contact since he got an iPhone four years ago (although he has perfected the no look wave). Maybe I should Facetime him and say hello. I suspect if you took an MRI of his brain, you'd find a digital rolled up Benjamin.

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2012/01/12/internet-addiction-causes-brain-changes-similar-to-alcohol-and-drugs-study/

QUIPPIC EXCHANGE: (Hat tip, J.A.)

-May the QB in your pants find an open receiver.

-Thanks for the well wishes. Of late, he's only been good at taking a knee,

LFAQ:

Should I rock the Che-Benz beret or the post historical hoodie?

RAFA-ROGER RIFT:

Looks like the love fest is over.

Rafa has called out Roger for his insistence on remaining about the fray when other players are putting pressure on the tour to have a more player-friendly schedule. Ahh... the eternal return of the same complaint about the Swiss.

Anyhow, a tricky issue. No doubt Roger is letting other people do the dirty work so he can keep "smelling like a rose." But the truth is, his self interest in not aligned with the collective interest of the players. Even though he is one of the oldest guys on the tour, he plays in such a graceful, effortless manner that the dense schedule actually works to his advantage. It doesn't take the same toll on him as it does on his competitors.

Anyhow, may not be any crying between them in the near future. Unless Roger cries after a fight.

http://sports.yahoo.com/tennis/news?slug=ap-australianopen

LFAQ: (Hat tip, J.M.)

What is the place of hyphenated names in the space of football? How do we handle this intrusion of feminism into the temple of testosterone?

QUOTE

"That's gonna be the way I make my next million--which happens to also be my first million."

DENIAL:

No, it was not said in relation to the idea of a reality show called Hot Naked Women of the Tundra.

LFAQ:

Is "That's Gonna Be the Way I Make My Next Million Which Also Happens To Be My First Million Enterprises" a good name for a company?

RANDOM EXCLAMATION:

As we say in French: "J'aDORE ce mec Newt Gingrich! Il est tout a fait magnifique!!!!"

Saturday Morning Post

2012-01-14T10:31:00.000-08:00

CHE IT AIN'T SO!: (Hat tip, H.S.)

Wow. Che as a brand ambassador for Daimler-Benz! Is this posthumous counter-revolutionary reappropriation more disturbing than the reduction of history to design element that I remarked upon earlier? Who the hell knows? But it's pretty crazy. I guess there is something more reassuringly familiar about an explicitly capitalistic violation of the communist icon than about the creepily innocuous cluelessness (and absolute historical amnesia) of the post historical hoodie. This is still, arguably, within history and the dialectic. But, wow. Can't wait to see Mao fluffing for McDonalds. (Is there a McMao on the horizon? Wonder what the special sauce in that would be??)

REMINDER:

We are not just consumers. We are citizens. Ok, I've picked up my dusty old tom tom and beaten the political drum.

APPOSITE ADVERTISING ITEM:

J'adore Newt's new attack on Romney. "Just like John Kerry, he speaks French." Love it. Tout a fait Formidable!! Je l'aime aime aime aime aime!! Ce mec, Newt. Il est magnifique!!

OVERHEARD IN MY HEAD:

(Upon stubbing my toe).

"Does fucking anything ever not fucking break my fucking toes?"

Idiotic but strangely eloquent, no?

CONFESSION:

I actually said it aloud.

PHENOMENON:

The Deeply Charming McManse.

COLBERT:

Good article in the NYT with the observation that Colbert is effecting a fascinating inversion of the serious and the silly. Where politics is an essentially (or at least largely) silly pursuit in which people have to act very serious, Colbert is a deeply serious performer playing a very silly character. Love that by boldly and brlliantly blurring the boundaries between what is real and that is parody, he has once again gotten the entire media world to become part of his ongoing performance. (Indeed, it would be professionally negligent of them not to report on his PAC activities and announced candidacies. They are ipso facto newsworthy within both politics and entertainment.)

ANNOUNCEMENT:

I am forming an exploratory committee to look into the possibility of supporting Colbert's presidential candidacy.

MAULER OF MAHLER:

Love the mirimba ringer interrupting the Mahler. Don't know if you read about it, but some guy's iPhone went off in the first row of the Philharmonic the other night while they were playing the soulful, sublime, penultimate passage of Mahler's 9th. The conductor was so unsettled by the insistent, auditory intrusion (the mortified guy coudn't figure out how to turn it off) that he briefly stopped the performance while the concertgoers hissed in refined rage.

You already probably know I am of two minds about the experience. Part of me is terribly sympathetic to the concertgoers. Transcendence interruptus is no fun. But that said: there is something about radical disruption (intended or not) or at least enforced incongruity that I always kind of applaud. Which is not to say enjoy. There is just something undeniably real about that which is uninvited. The (often dissonant) music of what happens.

LFAQ:

A propos of the Chinese riots during the release of the iPhone 4S: Does China make anything (aside from loans) that Americans would possibly fight over?

SPORTS:

Thanks to Mark Jackson for bringing Hack-a-Howard into the hoopic lexicon. D-How --a notoriously shaky shooter from the charity stripe--was fouled intentionally throughout the game by Jackson's undersized Warriors and ended up breaking Wilt's all time record for most FT in a game it with39 (he made 21...so the strategy wasn't half bad.). Howard it should be noted also had 23 rebounds 3 assists 4 steals 2 blocks and 45 points. Truly a Chamberlain esque--gigantic old school stat line. A flashback to the epic battles between Russel and Wilt or Alcindor and Wilt.

Australian Open getting under way. Federer-Nadal on the same side of the draw

(and hence on a collision course for a semi-Final showdown) in a Grand Slam event for the first time in over 7 years. Looking forward to seeing if Roger can find a way. He looked really impressive for the last month of the 2011 season before stumbling badly and losing in pretty one-sided fashion to both Djokovic and Nadal. I'm hoping that was an aberration (or a sign of rust) and we see the guy who'd managed to win 20 straight matches prior to that. Psyched. Verdasco-Tomic should be a great first round match. Murray-Tsonga in the quarterfinals could be epic. Etc. Etc. Etc. Let's go Roger! Allez! Even if Newt will not be rooting for you!

LFAQ:

The headline reads: "Judge: John Edwards has serious heart condition." Is that condition clinically known as "The absence of a heart?"

FRAGMENT OF A CONVERSATION:

M: Ok, if you don't want to listen to all the amazing things I have to say, they I'll go home and share them with my cat.

W: You have a cat?

M: Well, not any more. But I have her stuffed and preserved in a listening position.

W: When did you have a cat?

M: A while ago. I talked to her all the time.

W: How did she die?

M: To be honest, I think she died of boredom.

IMAGE OF THE DAY:

Has nothing to do with anything in this post. But I took it the other night and I like it.

ABSTENTION:

I will refrain from commenting on the woman with two vaginas.

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/01/11/woman-with-two-vaginas-hazel-jones-this-morning_n_1199193.html

RANDOM SINGLE SENTENCE PORTRAIT

The dark was afraid of him.

A Teddy Tebow in gratitude to my digital savior: Boris Harrisovsky. (Now with bonus P.S. LFAQ!)

2012-01-12T10:24:00.000-08:00

MAGNIFICENT:

That Mr. Harrisovsky heeded My Call and emerged as My Digital Savior!

That I can hotlink again!! (see evidence of The Miracle Below!!)

That I was able to find someone to take a mid day photo of my Teddy Tebow. (Thanks, Jose the Super!!)

NOT MAGNIFICENT:

Why even go there on such a glorious occasion?

HOOPS:

Saw that the Knicks won. Again: Watchable but not watchable. At least on MSG. Sounds like another solid team effort. Carmelo and Amare finding ways to complement rather than conflict with each other. Chandler anchoring the D. Shumpert emerging as a force. Landry continuing to be the Shane Battier of the Garden. Josh Harrelson continuing to make surprising and impressive contributions off the bench. Baron Davis continuing to groom the beard, MSG continuing to not show the games.

Watched the second half of the Heat-Clippers game last night. Great to see CP3 restored to his former glory. Great to be reminded of just how great Dwayne Wade is. Great to once again see just how tiny Lebron comes up when it matters most. Truly almost feel sorry for the guy. I am, alas, too much of an empath to be an enduring hater.

FUNNY COMMENT FROM THE NBA COMMENT SECTION ON YAHOO:

"The Planet Saturn=7 rings

Micheal Jordan=6 rings

Kobe Bryant=5 rings

Lebron James=A headband covering a receding hairline.

Keep choking baby!! we love you!"

A COUPLE OF MIRACULOUSLY RE-ENABLED HOTLINKS: (Digitally Lazarus-ed by the Digital Savior Harrisovsky)

The Marines: We're just looking for a few good bladders. The Few. The Proud. The Urines. Yeah, this is gonna go over well in the Middle East and do wonders for our efforts to win over moderate Muslim hearts and minds. Semper Piss.

http://news.yahoo.com/karzai-condemns-video-urination-corpses-120758800.html

The swastika as design element. Stick it on the post historical hoodie!! (But you won't be able to have it on your earrings anymore.)

http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/swastika-earrings-longer-sale-brooklyn-jewelry-store-bejeweled-article-1.1004934?localLinksEnabled=false

OK, crazy busy but simply HAD to acknowledge my Digital Savior in a timely manner--and throw down whatever day detritus happened to be in my head.

NOTE TO THE NUMEROLOGISTS:

An astute reader may be able to find exactly 3.16 worthwhile things in this hastily scrivened post and exactly 3.16 unworthy things.

RANDOM PARTING EXCLAMATION:

Hotlink THIS!!!

P.S. LFAQ:

Wait: With that headgear, did I inadvertently go more Abu Ghraib than Teddy Tebow?

Tired of being thought of as an un-angry white man. (And of not being able to create line breaks and hotlinks and stuff!)

2012-01-11T19:00:00.001-08:00

NOT MAGNIFICENT:

•Wednesday night without hoops.

•Biting the inside of one's cheek and being so numb (either from novocaine or from a chronic neurological condition) that you only know you bit yourself because you can taste the iron-y taste of flesh.

•The six day time lag between reporting my ceiling leak and hearing back from my landlord.

•Not being able to hotlink and do all that fancy Teddy V 2.0. shiznit that I was getting used to!

•Failed naps.

•Scabies. (No, I do not have!).

•Floyd Mayweather telling Manny Pacquiao to "Step up, punk." (But if it can help lead to an actual fight between the two, then it will be reclassified as Magnificent. Especially if Manny wins.)

MAGNIFICENT:

•Ricky Rubio in a dazzling duel with Derrick Rose, battle the reigning MVP to a draw.

•The freaking name Ricky Rubio.

•Warren Buffett calling out the Republicans in Congress with his offer to match--dollar for dollar --any contribution any of them makes to paying down the National Debt--and even offering a special 3-1 matched funding offer for Mitch McConnell.

NEITHER HERE NOR THERE WITH RESPECT TO MAGNIFICENCE BUT WORTHY OF COMMENT:

•This is perhaps the first iPhone App that I've ever seen demonstrated where I honestly thought "Wow: This is gonna be huge. Even possibly really useful." I know a lot of people felt that way about Words With Friends and Angry Birds and Shazam but, seriously, if I could invest in this thing I would. http://www.engadget.com/2012/01/11/aurasma-virtual-browser-and-virtual-world-hands-on/

OBSERVATION:

•A PBR out of a can after basketball tastes better than a Pilsner Urquel out of a tap without basketball. And a PBR out of a can without basketball tastes worse than pretty much any liquid that does not come out of a urethra.

SCIENCE AND LANGUAGE:

•Broken Heart Syndrome. The literalization of a metaphor. Funny, during my last bout of true grief I kept feeling the pain in the left center of my chest and realized that "heartbreak" really does have a physiological basis. The Broken Heart syndrome precedes the You're Dead to Me syndrome ("You broke my heart, Fredo."/"You're Dead To Me, Fredo.") unless you die from it first (see below)in which case it leads to the I'm Dead To Me Syndrome. http://search.yahoo.com/search?cs=bz&p=Broken%20heart%20syndrome&fr=fp-tts-701&fr2=ps

TEDDY VEGAS/MICHELLE OBAMA NEWS ITEM:

•Michelle Obama says she's tired of being thought of as an angry black woman. I feel her pain.I'm tired of being thought of as an un-angry white man!

RANDOM SINGLE SENTENCE PORTRAIT:

•She enthusiastically embraced the illiteracy of her times.CLOSING APPEAL:

Yo seriously. Doesn't anybody want to be my Digital Savior?!?!

2012-01-10T08:54:00.000-08:00

Please pardon our appearance. We continue to experience technical difficulties...MAGNIFICENT:•Another almost perfect game by Tyson Chandler. (7-8 from the field. 6-8 from the line. 13 rebounds. 3 steals. 3 blocks. 0 turnovers.) as the Knicks (barely) avenged a humiliating previous loss to the Charlotte Bobcats. As I mentioned in a late addition to yesterday's post but will repeat here for those who read the post before I made said addition: The paradox is that when the Knicks were unwatchable you could watch them. But now that they are watchable, you can't watch them. Actually, I don't think I stated this observation about the Knicks' unfortunately timed MSG blackout quite so memorably and succinctly and Yogi Berra-ly before. Oh blessed tweak! •The Mavs at the White House for their victory celebration. The President--restored to his grandeur as Hooper in Chief--praising them all for their consummate team play (and busting on Dirk for his godawful rendition of "We Are The Champions."). Dirk! Jet! J-Kidd! Matrix! Obama! All in one room. One of the highlights of the presidency. http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/news;_ylt=Am61YJ7zRFOjl060rDM5YEC8vLYF?slug=ap-obama-mavericks•Interesting that the two key ex-Mavs who were not in attendance both turned in their best games of the season that same night. Perhaps they were inspired by the commemoration of their great victory. I speak of course of the aforementioned Chandler and of J.J. Barea (!!!!!) who had 16 points off the bench for the T-Wolves, to keep pace with emerging star Ricky Rubio.•Interesting, also,that new Maverick Delonte West not there. He claims that he was not allowed into the White House because of a previous weapons conviction. But the White House denies the story, claiming that he had in fact been cleared by Security and decided not to attend. LFAQ:Did Delonte West not attend the White House Celebration because he was carnally consorting with Lebron's mother? Applying one final insult after The Finals beat down?QUOTE:“They know how good teams win, Not just by jumping higher or running faster, but by finding the open man, working together, staying mentally tough, being supportive of each other, playing smarter.”-Obama on the Dallas Mavericks. (And, he would hope, on the Democratic Party). Whap!LFAQ: Why does Siri keep calling me Barbara?OH TWO MORE ADDITIONS TO MAGNIFICENCE:•Was just reminded how much I love Guided By Voices. Tractor Rape Chain, Gold Star for Robot Boy, Echo Myron etc. Check 'em out on youtube. •That (hat tip, Leibniz, Heidegger, the Pre-Socratics and pretty much all other sentient and soulful beings) there is something instead of nothing.NOT MAGNIFICENT: (But Kinda funny). •I fell asleep with my eyeglasses pushed up onto my forehead and with my elastic glasses strap attached to the ends of both glasses arms and wrapped pretty tight around my head. When I woke up, I had these weird red insect/tribal V-shaped marks in my forehead from where the nose supports had been pressing into them. And I have an appointment now and they have not gone away!LFAQ:•2.0 reader ambivalence notwithstanding: Wouldn't it be cool if I could restore this blog to its former digital glory? Make it all hyper-linked and user friendly and stuff? CONFESSION:•Overwhelmed with the outpouring of helpful tips both from the technorati among the readership and from the experts at Google and Blogger.CLARIFICATION:•Tonally, the preceding expression of gratitude did not test very high on the sincerity index. The number of people announcing their candidacy to be my Digital Savior (and to receive the Teddy Tebow of gratitude)has been disappointing. If you can call 0 a number. APPEAL:•C'mon Digital Saviors in hiding… I want to do a Teddy Tebow in your honor!

Neither TV 2.0 nor TV 1.0 can figure out how to fix the damn thing, but in the meantime...

2012-01-09T08:58:00.001-08:00

...here's an image.And here are a few words:PHENOMENON:A guy (at Tebow fan, in fact) who laughed in a shockingly loud staccato manner: with each trumpet-like burst of sound having the exact same pitch, duration and volume as all the others. All the silent intervals between the bursts of laughter were perfectly equal in length as well, thus lending the expression of hilarity a bizarrely mechanical "Is the Cyborg broken?" quality. Seriously, it was like one extended 5 second burst of sound was sampled and looped at 5 second intervals for a minute long extended laugh mix. I wanted to record it on my iPhone but the loud laughing cyborg was very very large and I feared he wouldn't find my finding his laughter funny very funny. TEDDY 3:16And it is written: Ye shall not indulge in fatuous acts of half assed biblical numerology, especially when it involves football stats. I mean, for God's sakes!! http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/01/09/tim-tebows-316-passing-yards-evoke-biblical-number/?xid=rss-topstoriesOBSERVATION:A few games ago the Knicks were unwatchable but on TV. Now they are watchable but not on TV. CURIOUS DINNER MENU:Cornflakes and Scotch. AND A FEW MORE WORDS:Tired, quiggles, nap...ACKNOWLEDGEMENT:Yeah...I know: Weak. Very very weak. Audaciously, almost unprecedentedly weak. But felt I should throw some digital scrap into the ether while I work on fixing this damn blog prob. Now if Timmy Tebow could fix this for me, I may not convert...but I would at least get down on one knee and do a Tebow. Seriously. And document it. And post it. Hell, if you can help me fix this blogging problem, The Great Blogger will kneel down and do a Teddy Tebow in your honor. And in honor of the Great Creator Who Created you. Ok, now we're getting some traction...Type enough and you stumble upon something. Oh, which reminds me...COLBERT RAPPORT:Speaking of religion and faith and Tebow and Creation etc. I was interested to read about Stephen Colbert's Catholicism in that NYT article I believe I mentioned. I've truly got nothing against anyone who believes in the divinity of Jesus Christ or Allah or Yahweh or The Buddha or The Glow Worm or Whomever--as long as they are not preachy and evangelistic. While I am not a Believer, I do not have that Bill Maher/Christopher Hitchens angry anti-religion reflex. That sense of secular "scientific" superiority. That said: I am often a little bit intrigued when I find out that a particular friend or person I admire is truly observant in a traditional way. That they interpret sacred texts literally etc. The point is that I have never quite known what to make of the fact that Stephen Colbert is a devout practicing Catholic--and the article helped me put it in a relate-ably human, redemptive context. Evidently his father and two of his brothers died in a plane crash when he was a boy. His mother, who was a devout Catholic and with whom he was extremely close, taught him not to feel sorry for himself. That life was a gift. And compared to the eternal suffering of Jesus Christ (crucified for our sins so that we might have eternal life), our sufferings were minor. The lesson of Christ is that life is a gift --and the gift of life is inseparable from the pain of life. Anyhow--at the risk of reductive armchair psychoanalyzing--this story helped me to understand Colbert's devout Catholicism as inseparable from (and no doubt largely an expression of) his deep love for the mother--the being who had, essentially, saved him.Ok. Enough about faith and religion and stuff. Here's hoping I get a chance to do a Teddy Tebow in gratitude for my digital savior--whomever he or she might turn out to be.

Error Message: This blog is messed up. RAC 2.0. is suddenly RAC 0.2. Sorry. In need of technical assistance.

2012-01-08T19:41:00.001-08:00

MAGNIFICENT:Ricky Rubio. Breaking out with a near triple double in a mere 27 minutes of play. I would like to think that his 14 assists spurred fellow super white boy point guard Steve Nash to put up 17 in a later game. *The ridiculous precision of some of those Eli Manning passes yesterday.*Incidental Bowie 65th birthday tribute when "Wild is the Wind" came on between two non Bowie songs at the pizza place.*NOT MAGNIFICENT:*Confirmation that Iran is producing enriched uranium in an underground facility that's invulnerable to air attack.

*Iran sentencing the American (alleged) CIA agent to death. Bad enough without enriched uranium in the background....but really ominous with enriched uranium in the background. *Getting some alert while writing a post last night to the effect that "Html not activated. Tag has been broken," pressing "Ignore warning" (as I saw no other option) and now having every single file from every single post I have written (or even merely drafted and saved) over the last 6 years reduced to a sea of indecipherable computer code and semiotic kibble. Teddy Vegas 2.0.'s blog has fallen and he can't get it back up! Teddy Vegas 1.0 would be laughing (in schadenfreude-ish delight) except that all the things HE has ever written on the blog have been digitally scrambled as well. *Bumping into my ex girlfriend's mother and step father on the street yesterday--taking their lovely Sunday stroll. First time I've seen them since the breakup. I really love/loved them. And it was really great slash kick-in-the-stomach-stab-in-the-heart painful to speak with them (I even attempted a hug) across the relationship grave. I really miss them. But I understand that I have been necessarily banished to the realm of ghosts. Terrible to be among the dead. (To clarify: Seeing them was much closer to magnificent than non magnificent. I have nothing but good feelings for them. It's just the experiencing of the self as ghost that's not so hot.) *Apposite Link:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M(Sorry, cannot hotlink the damn thing now that my blog is in post error message disrepair!).*SOME RUNNING NOTES (AS TEXTS) DURING STEELERS-BRONCOS GAME:*Here it goes: Jesus Freak vs. The Rapist.*What a pass! Did family values Jesus Guy really just torch a cornerback named Gay?*Big Ben looks like he was out all night raping and has nothing left in the tank. Meanwhile Tebow is crazy full of Jesus Juice.*Now it's The Rapist's turn to drop a miracle. What a pass! And Cotchery pulls a Dave Tyree! *Has Tebow shot his miracle wad?*Evidently not. Damn. *OK, next up: Jesus Freak vs. Pretty Boy, in New England. Should be sweet. *P.S.*Sorry I didn't post this last night. After Tebow's victory, I went over to the church to convert. Was there all night. I asked so many damn questions they finally punted me out.*Hope these little asterisks have at least made this mess minimally readable.

Let's Go Me! J-E-T-S!!!! Problematic Origins. Etc. A Sunday Post from Teddy Denisovan.

2012-01-07T15:03:00.001-08:00

DENIALS:

No. No I am not posting this from Mike's Porn Dungeon.

No, no, no. I am not rubbing my genitalia! I am rubbing the herniated tear right ABOVE my genitalia!

ONION-ESQUE (SHALLOT LIKE) BUT ALAS ALMOST ACTUAL HEADLINE:

Man run over in crosswalk was JUST about to establish personal best in Fruit Ninja!

TEDDY VEGAS 2.0. TRIUMPH

Yup, you noticed! I figured out how to take a screen capture of the WiFi network options at that restaurant. (Tip to the less 2.0-ish: Press the power button and the sleep button at the same time!).

TEDDY VEGAS 1.0. TRIUMPH

Seeing Teddy Vegas 2.0 go to the Apple Store Genius Bar for the mysterious cloudiness of the photos he took with his flash--only to be told by the Genius guy that he had a piece of protective plastic (that came with his slightly ill fitting iPhone protective case) directly over the flash opening! Genius. Teddy Vegas 1.0 let out an audible. Ha!! The Genius Bar guy looked at me funny like I was a ventriloquist who'd just said something through the dummy who happened to be me too. Teddy Vegas 1.5 played it off like it was nothing but a thing. As is his wont.

As my friend observed: It's people like me that let the Apple guys get away with calling themselves geniuses.

LET'S GO ME! LET'S GO ME!

Saw this down in the meatpacking district. Not sure if it's a comment on narcissism and sports or an exercise in universal self-branding. In any event, it's certainly the only Mets-related thing worth cheering about in a long long time. Be pretty cool to hear the entire Citifield Stadum chanting 'Let's Go Me! Let's Go Me!

PROBLEMATIC ORGINS: (Hat tip, credit glutton, S.M.)

Interesting article putting into question (or at least problematizing) the Out of Africa theory of human evolution. The author claims that our origins are not quite so simple--for a number of reasons, including the fact that we bear within us the genetic traces of at least one other species (Neanderthal). The article also introduces the Denisonvans (another mysterious early hominid species from Southeast Asia with whom we interacted and, apparently, interbred.).

I applaud anything that supports the fundamental unfathomability of man to himself. Our inalienable, ineluctable otherness. The ultimate impossibility of ever knowing truly who and what and how we are. If Denisovan is the name that strangeness now bears, then so be it. Just call me Teddy Denisovan!

http://www.edge.org/conversation/rethinking-out-of-africa

(And for what it's worth, I also applaud anything that supports man's true knowledge of himself. I just believe there is an inexhaustible reservoir of unknowability that should always be respected.)

APPOSITE QUOTE:

"Man is not created in the Image of God. Man is created in the Image. Period."

-M.B.

LFAQ:

Gus Fring: iPhone or Google Android? The fastidiousness would suggest the former. As might the m.o. of hiding in plain sight. But the radical sui generis off the grid-ness might suggest the open source rather than the gated community brand. Or it might suggest him having no cell phone whatsoever. Going all messenger pigeon and rotary dial and shit.

HOOPS:

Dallas signs Yi Jianlain. Wait: They already have Dirk and Lamar Odom. Are they trying to gain a monopoly on perimeter playing 7 footers? Maybe they can coax Brad Sellers and Ralph Sampson out of retirement.

KNICKS: (As distinct from Hoops).

Saw them almost lose to the winless Wizards. It took a herculean comeback from 17 down to prevail by a basket. The team eked out a win on the strength of sheer embarrassment and superior talent. But there was absolutely no flow or chemistry. Hate to say it, but Isaih is right (see below): They miss the leadership of a savvy point guard like Billups. They are an inefficient, unaesthetic mess-and it's almost merciful that MSG is not televising their games because of the Time Warner/Cablevision conflict. I doubt the fans will rally to Cablevision's cause.

P.S. Didn't post that in time: Knicks crushed the Pistons while I lollygagged--in their second impressive perfromance of the year. Again Landry Fields had the best +/- rating on the team. Again: Their excellence was connected to Carmelo taking fewer shots and commiting to defense and ball movement.

NFL:

Enjoyed the Lions-Saints game. Two teams representing very likable downtrodden American cities. Stafford was great and Brees is really something special. It was noteworthy that not a single player on either bona fide playoff team postured inanely after a sack or a reception. Go Jets!!

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nba-ball-dont-lie/isiah-thomas-isn-t-happy-york-recent-moves-212919967.html;_ylt=Am2qazeUVXwGIrmbmjoltFi8vLYF

CH-CH-CHANGES:

Happy 65th Birthday to David Bowie. I will play "Life on Mars" or "Sound and Vision" or "Five Years" or "Stay" or "Man Who Sold the World" or something in honor of the world's coolest senior citizen. Or, wait: Maybe "Changes."

LFAQ:

Is fraudulence an adaptive trait?

OBSERVATION:

It's a bad sign when you trip over your own toenails. But it's worse when you trip over your own fingernails.

NOTE TO SELF:

Cross file the above under: Teddy Vegas Wisdom For Living.

CONCEPT:

A native American named Jim Crow. He visits the south. Hijinks ensue. (Not in Sioux, L.P.!!).

NOT MAGNIFICENT:

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/irs-estimate-17-percent-taxes-204637410.html

Makes me feel like such a sucker for always paying my fair share. This news will force others to cheat just to preserve self respect. Bad cycle. They should never release this information.

MAGNIFICENT:

David Bowie.
Stephen Colbert's PAC initiative.

OWS (Oppresive Worldy Shit.)

Been staying away from political commentary of late, but these two links help support my long standing claim that the only thing more truly unlikely and remarkable than being born poor and becoming rich (so much ingrained, socio-economic resistance; so many assumed, self-reinforcing disadvantages) is being born rich (with all the values, connections and advantages associated therewith; the class's cultural dna etc.) and becoming poor. The first link focuses on the former part of that claim (an article about the myth of American socio-economic upward mobility) and the second link is about the ever increasing power and influence of the wealthy. (Legislators in the thrall of oligarchs through lobbying. the ingenious way conservatives manipulate social and cultural resentments to get people to consistently vote against their economic self interest etc.). An old song, well sung. (And, on my part, if I might intrododuce a rare parenthetic remark: an old observation/grievance, poorly written.)

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/05/us/harder-for-americans-to-rise-from-lower-rungs.html?scp=2&sq=social%20mobility&st=cse

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/08/books/review/pity-the-billionaire-by-thomas-frank-book-review.html?ref=books

Btw: Belated hat tip on the above links, to J.M. --who seems to want to break S.M.'s recent monopoly on credit. The spirit of competition lives. Charles Darwin, Milton Friedman, Vince Lombardi et. al. are smiling.

RANDOM IMAGE:

AFTERTHOUGHT:

In honor of the Denisovans and man and life and David Bowie's turning 65, I should have titled this post "Turn and Face the Strange."

Incidentall Portraits, Detached Signifiers, Failed Pick-Ups, Posthumous Gifts, etc.

2012-01-06T12:30:00.001-08:00

FOUND PORTRAIT OF A NEIGHBORHOOD:

Was eating lunch at a place called Danji (Yes, relevant sleuths: Correct assumption.) and wanted to check something on my iPhone. When I turned the magic toy on, this is the what I saw. Danji is a wonderful restaurant, but I doubt they have any idea that the Danji sandwich documented above is on the menu.

INAUSPICIOUS START TO AN ATTEMPTED PICK-UP

-What do you do?

-Oh, I am independently wealthy. I do whatever I want.

-Oh. Really?

-Yes, so wealthy. I can buy you a sedan or a glass of cabernet.

-Well...

-C'mon your choice. Sedan or cabernet....No, no, not a chateau. That's second date material. Right now it's a sedan or some cabernet....Ok, a coupe or some cabernet. Fine. A coupe or some cabernet...

No...no. No. No. No. An island is out of the question!! That's proposal material. C'mon. A coupe or some cabernet. Make up your mind or I'm gonna force you to have the Pinot.

OBSERVATION:

I fluffed extra hard at Chipotle today, like a cheating boyfriend with a guilty conscience.

CATEGORY OF PHENOMENA:

Inadvertently posthumous gifts. That is, gifts sent to a living person that only arrive after that person has died.

THE GAP BETWEEN HISTORY AND FASHION:

Another instance of the reduction of powerfully charged signifiers to pure empty form: Of history to fashion. Of icon to design element. I have previously noted seeing black power signs, hammer and sickles and, yes, even swastikas radically separated from their original contexts and worn on post-historical hoodies by clueless youth.

1969. Epic signifier of socio-politcal unrest and revolution. Now at the Gap. (In a wide range of pastels.)

RANDOM SINGLE SENTENCE PORTRAIT:

He liked being in vital, determinate space with no time for the absence of time.

In honor of the Knicks, the Mets and the Jets: A very weak effort.

2012-01-05T15:42:00.001-08:00

iJuxtaposition

About to hunker down for my weekly Thursday post from the Apple Store (a long-standing tradition of standing), when I realized I was just not in the mood. So I will simply submit this (aforementioned, I believe) juxtaposition of the paperless digital future and the papery analogue past. Would have been better had the guy not stacked the bills so neatly, but I didn't want to intrude on the blessed transaction with off-brand art directional requests.

Teddy Vegas Interactive Challenge of the Day

Come up with a caption for the photo.

On an unrelated note:

Go Jets!!!

Teddy Vegas 2.0: Getting horizontal!

2012-01-03T21:03:00.001-08:00

Check check check it, yo! Teddy V. 2.0 Stepping up with the aforepromised photo RoTAtion!!!!

I totally went Fring on that mothahsuckah!!!!!! SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!! (Although there I went totally Clay Davis!) Stepping into THE BIG TIME!!!

CITICARD SAYS: FUCK YOU FOR YOUR KIND PATRONAGE:

Ok, so I just got a letter in the mail from the good criminals at Citibank, telling me that the security of some system containing my credit card number may have been breached and so they have issued me this new card with an entirely new number. I should activate it immediately. This activation will trigger the termination of my existing card.

No "Thank you". No "Sorry for the huge hassle and inconvenience of alerting all the merchants who regularly charge to your existing card." No "Big ups to you for making all those necessary calls to cover our ass--as you did nothing wrong and have absolutely no liability in the matter." No "Thank you for your kind patronage." No "Here's a coupon for a complimentary game of Wack-a-Mole." No nothing.

No. Actually, a lot more like: We're too big to fail. You're too small to matter. Fuck you for you kind patronage. We appreciate your business please hold--while we laugh. Thank your for being a valued Citibank customer and...SUCK IT!!!

Anyhow, for the last few hours, I've been making the rounds. Time Warner Cable. The New York Times. Manhattan Mini Storage. Netflix, Verizon Wireless. Etc Etc. Etc. Updating the billing info. Suffering opportunistic promotional assaults--after expressions of scripted sympathy. It's a whirlwind tour of state of the art American corporate indifference and bad faith. I amuse myself myself with the titular variety: Corporate Care Representatives, Dedicated Service Professionals. Customer Retention Agents. Predatory Felation Operatives. Etc.

Nah. Nothing against the late night alienated labor. Most of them are perfectly nice people, I am sure. Just not the way I wanted to spend the night.

Netflix, believe it or not, was the least bs-y and the easiest to deal with. Time Warner kept me on hold for 45 minutes then confused the hell out of me. Oh, and then--when i expressed some concern with how huge my monthly bills have gotten and started to explore the savings associated with dropping my digital telephone line--was told that it would be best to wait a minute to talk with a "Customer Retention Agent" before finalizing that contemplated service downscaling. That "minute" turned out to be 25.

The Citibank guy wrapped up with the boilerplate "We're always working to find new ways to enhance and improve our service to you, sir" rigamarole and I very kindly and gently said. (No, not "Blow me!"), "You know: A small suggestion for your own benefit: To encourage customer loyalty and goodwill. When your security or some vendor's security is breached and you send these new cards to people, you might want to at least pay some kind of corporate lip service to the hassle they are being forced to endure, updating all the billing information with their merchants and service providers etc. You know: Just a little acknowledgement like, "Hey, we know none of this was your fault and we really apologize for any hassle. It's just one of those unfortunate realities of modern life and we're working our hardest to make it less and less likely to happen. Thanks. You are a human being. And we are a corporation. Which is a kind of human being too! Just ask the Supreme Court! Ok...etc. etc." Or whatever the hell I said. But it was very nice. When I was done, the guy just blankly said/read "Well we at Citicards value having you as a customer and wish you a Merry Christmas and a great Blessed Weekend. " Yeah, I'm pretty sure he said "a Great Blessed Weekend."

Was he talking about the Denver-Pittsburgh game?

Hmm. I think I'm gonna be rooting for the rapist.

LFAQ:

Hey, now that I've fluffed Diablo Burger with integrity, should I ask to have the Teddy Vegas burger added to the menu???

TEDDY VEGAS INTERACTIVE CHALLENGE OF THE DAY:

What the hell would be on a Teddy Vegas Burger? Cheese? Relish? Word Salad? May(ormaynot)onnaise? Would it be served with special napkins that have scribblings on them?

LIST DU JOUR: (Hat tip, credit glutton, S.M.)

The 19 Year Old Isaac Newton's list of sins.

http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2012/01/04/isaac-newton-list-of-sins/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+brainpickings%2Frss+%28Brain+Pickings%29

By today's standards, it reads like a list of qualifications for beatification.

LFAQs:

Which is cooler: The Dennis Rodman topless women's basketball league or the new Steve Jobs action figure (see link and pic below.)?

Which is creepier: The Dennis Rodman topless women's basketball league or the new Steve Jobs action figure (see link and pic below.)?

http://gizmodo.com/5872483/this-new-steve-jobs-action-figure-is-so-good-its-freaky

(Yeah, more on this riveting iTrocity some other time.)

OBSERVATION (Retread.)

I want to note once again the Teddy Vegas Door Holding Index (DHI), as an indicator of the consumer satisfaction at a restaurant or store--and, hence, of the long term economic prospects for that establishment. As noted previously, I have seen an unusually high frequency people holding the door open for other people (men, women, children) at Chipotle and have taken that as indicating that they are feeling good and expansive both about going there and about having gone there. It was, as I believe I mentioned before, the main reason that I invested in the company to begin with. Just a subtle but convincing sign the consumer psychology surrounding a place. Anyhow, since that time, I have observed other stores and establishments and found only Lululemon and Apple stores to have anywhere near as high a rate of door holding. Incidentally, those have been two of the other best performers in the recent difficult economy and on the recent highly volatile stock market.

Much as Landry Fields' perfomance is a strong indicator of the health of the Knicks' offense, so too, the frequency or infrequency of gratuitous good-willed door holding is a strong indicator of the health and well being of a bricks and mortal establishment.

Just trying to brand me an index. If Case and Schiller can do it: Why the hell can't Vegas 2.0 and Vegas 1.0? SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!

(I only mention this because I told someone about this the other night and it really resonated with them as being true.)

QUIP-FREE CONFESSION:

Behind the gratuitous quipping, I am feeling really sad tonight. But the sadness that is a kind of joy. A kind of feeling alive. A kind of primary experience of self and being and of gratitude for both.

I guess it's all the stirrings of change. The new credit card number. The encounters with the entire orbit of service reps. The booking of flights (Imminent ascent into the uncertain sky). The scheduling of medical appointments (Imminent etherization upon the uncertain table). The hunting for a new insurance policy (Imminent assumption of increased expense). The setting up a PayPal account. (Imminent inscription into the socio-economic matrix.). The making of the digital rounds. The pressing into present possibility...

All this changing of billing information. All this updating and settling of accounts. All this taking myself out of hock, abeyance and absentia. All this being squeezed into mortal shape. All this being pressed against vital limits. All this experiencing the size and extent of my relational self (and the absence of a special someone with whom to share it). All this exercising of parts long asleep and unused. All this uprooting from the soils of the habitual past. All this Teddy V 2.0 molting out of Teddy V 1.0. All this dissipation of existential plausible deniability. All this visceral recognition that what is gone is really gone...and there's nothing left to do but step forward...

(All this...AND MORE if you act now!!!)

I rarely feel lonely. But that is perhaps because I rarely feel alive enough to feel lonely. Loneliness is born of a kind of excess. An overflowing of spirit out of the vessel of the self--and a sadness that there is no reciprocal cup to pour that spirit into. Loneliness presumes a given altitude and integrity of one's being. A sense of presence sufficient to feel absence. Loneliness is life pressing outwards. Forwards. Onwards...towards more. It is the vital original ache; a sign of rebirth and return.

Anyhow, it's all good. Rising and falling to sadness and life. All good. All good. All.....good. Another chance to affirm.

Or maybe I'm just bummed that I can't play hoops tonight.

P.S.

But I can watch hoops! My GOD do the Knicks suck. It is halftime and only the heroics of the blessed Shumpert (fresh off the DL) are keeping them within a dozen of the lowly Bobcats. Our boys of promise are making Boris Diaw look like a flattering hybrid of Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. The Landry Fields indicator is indicating stagnation and futility. And I am pretty sure the fans will not be holding the door open for one another at The Garden tonight. I am wearing my NYK Declare shirt today and I so I will declare: Yech.

Fluffing with Integrity

2012-01-03T14:18:00.001-08:00

A FARCE-FREE FLUFF

Like some other elements of the Teddy Vegas blogging empire, my Chipotle Fluffer persona can be characterized as completely half serious. I do love the tasty burrito bowls and the delcicious equity returns, but there is only a little grain of truth to the obsequiousness and the obsession. (It's a whole grain grain of truth, of course, naturally and ethically sourced in accordance with our (I mean their!) Food with Integrity brand platform/ethos/commitment/vague statement of casual intent. BTW: Did I mention that delicious Chipotle brand burrito bowls, tacos and burritos are now available with both white AND brown rice? Oh, yes, I see that I did. But what I may have neglected to mention is that you have a very nice nose! And that it goes beautifully with your lovely iPhone case! Speaking of which: Aren't they life altering little enhancements! No, ma'am, I was speaking of the iPhones! But, yes...those as well! Can I hold that door for you? Lovely, lovely...)

But I digress. The point is that, while the Chipotle Fluffer is intended as a quasi-comedic conceit, I want, for the moment, to engage in an act of brand ambassadorial fluffing that is less coyly ironic and more simply sincere. Yes, Teddy Vegas, the free range fluffer, wants to tell all of you extremely lovely, handsome and charming individuals about a restaurant (nay, nascent brand!!) founded and created by my good friend D.W.

I speak of Diablo Burger (db for the carnivorous cogniscenti): the only restaurant I know of in the United States that serves hamburgers made entirely from locally and ethically sourced grass-fed steer. The original flagship and, as of now, only db (oh emergent brand!, oh incipient empire of enlightened, ethical eating!) is located in Flagstaff, Arizona--and has a much more serious, uncompromising Michael Pollan-esque mission statement than (oh it pains me to say it!) Chipotle. The meat is not just locally and ethically sourced to the extent that it is possible or when it's convenient or on alternate Thursdays or more often than most places or when the Grill Master in Chief's astrologist decrees. (Oh my dear Chipotle: I apologize for wagging my finger at your wiggle room!) All the hamburgers served there come entirely (and verifiably) from steer raised naturally in the extended Flagstaff area. But the main thing is, they are really delicious. In fact, this locavore burger joint has received all kinds of regional and national acclaim--including getting Best Burger in Arizona honors from USA Today.

Anyhow, I dined with D.W. (and some lovely friends and fellow supporters of the restaurant) last night and he gave us all Diablo Burger license plates. I like mine so much I might have to buy a car (hybrid, bien sur...or at least locally sourced) on which to display it. (I might also have to give up any lingering claims to even casual, intermittent, unrigorous ovo-lacto-pescatarianism). It (the license) certainly doesn't look that good on my blanket. Plus: It doesn't look that good vertical. Which is to say: Hey S.M.: Can you help a fraudulent Teddy Vegas 2.0. out and flip that sucker into horizontal mode?? No. No. This one the free range fluffer will figure out on his own! (And I will post it subsequently...so as to not necessitate the removal of this egregious eyesore of a paragraph.)

Or to go all Gus Fring on it: "No. This I do myself."

God DAMN, look at that Teddy Vegas 2.0 stepping up to the challenge!! (Hope it doesn't --SPOILER ALERT!--blow up in my face.)

Anyhow, props to my friend D.W.: the Locavore Burger King! If you're in Flagstaff, AZ have a burger at his place.

And please don't tell Chipotle that I'm kinda two-timing it. (Within the self-same food, beverage and hospitality category nonetheless!).

HOOPS: THE ROD MAN COMETH!!!

Dennis Rodman is going to start a topless women's basketball league. Let me just say that again: Dennis Rodman is going to start a topless women's basketball league. Oh, my lord. My (athletic support) cup runneth over.

I honestly can't tell if this is the worst thing that's ever happened to basketball or the best.

I guess the ball won't be the only thing that's bouncing!

http://www.cbssports.com/mcc/blogs/entry/22748484/34156246

Seriously. You know the league logo has to be the word "hOOps!" with the two "o"s in "hoops" designed like boobs.

TEDDY VEGAS INTERACTIVE CHALLENGE OF THE DAY:

The Rodman Topless Women's Basketball jokes pretty much write themselves. But feel free to co-author some!

Ask and Ye Shall Receive. From S.M.

2012-01-03T10:27:00.000-08:00





ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE:








The photoshopped image described and requested yesterday:


















The fraudulent Teddy Vegas 2.0 thanks a legit reader 2.0 for maintaining the illusion of His 2.0-ness.  Yeah, it's S.M. again.  Blog samaritan and credit glutton!

OBSERVATION:

Whom you root for in the Denver-Pittsburgh game really comes down to whether you prefer Tim Tebow or Big Ben which, in turn comes down to whether you prefer a Jesus Freak or a rapist.

To pose it as an lfaq:

LFAQ:

Denver or Pittsburgh: Jesus Freak or Rapist?

RANDOM QUOTE:

"I think I just met my future wife. Or daughter. Or granddaughter."

(No, it was not Woody Allen.)

LFAQ:

Why do readers send me so many private notes about the blog but so few seem to comment on the boards--even anonymously or under pseudonym?

KNICKS:

Knicks reverting to old form. Ball sticking in Carmelo's hands--until it is launched hoopward. 13-31. (FGA-FGM): A numerically symmetrical portrait of hoopic futility. Once a gunner always a gunner.

D'Antoni continues to solidify his reputation (at least on these august electronic pages) as The Mustache of Mediocrity. Clueless with the D. And curiously aimless and ineffectual with the O.

For the Knicks to deliver on their apparent promise (and roster of undeniable talent), they will need a really good PG. Chandler (CP3 and J-Kidd) and Amare (Nash, Felton and briefly Billups) have only thrived while playing with one. And Carmelo is simply a born (if very gifted) gunner, who has never really helped a team win at the NBA level. Only the service of a really superior PG can prevent him from disrupting the flow and disenfranchising the fellas. The net detriment of his ball hoggery is always greater than the net benefit of his occasionally amazing shooting.

IRONY:

I shut Siri off because she wouldn't shut the F up. (Literally, through some glitch in the program, she just kept talking!). Also, because she kept calling me Barbara. (More on this some other time.) But while I told Siri to shut the F up, she evidently did the same to some kid! (See below) Sort of makes me like her more. Might be time to turn her back on.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/30/apple-siri-curses-at-boy-tells-him-to-shut-up_n_1176952.html

LFAQ:

Has there ever been a bowl game with less prepossessing sounding teams than last night's Rose Bowl featuring The Badgers vs. The Ducks???

COOL THING OF THE DAY: (Hat tip, credit glutton S.M. again: Dude should start a blog!)

http://twistedsifter.com/2012/01/landscapes-carved-into-books-guy-laramee/

Amazingly precise little landscapes, carved into the sides of books. So THIS is what happened to all the inventory that used to be in the Barnes and Noble at 66th and Broadway. Those literary place holders for scarves and socks.

Cultural recycling. The reshapings and repurposings of matter.

The fluffer smiles (Enhanced version).

2012-01-02T13:18:00.001-08:00

A quick post during my first Chipotle visit of 2012. Robust traffic! Auspicious line tolerance! Shareholder reassurance! And the first ever use of the one Blessed Brand (as represented by the iPhone) to celebrate The Other in the venerable history of these august electronic pages!

Oh investor consumer abundance! Oh techno gustatory bliss!

Just the gratuitous boost I needed after a night of devastating dreams and a morning of less than delightful realities!

Ok, time to shamelessly ply quips and compliments to my line mates in order to subliminally stimulate positive brand associations and arouse long term profits in the new year.

This post was brought to you by the Chipotle Fluffer-Teddy Vegas 2.0 alliance over the insistent protests of Teddy Vegas 1.0 who continues to try to spike our burrito bowl with new Tabasco Arsenic.

EXPLANATORY P.S. FOR RECENT READERS:

The Chipotle Fluffer was a Theodore Vegas digital alias from the era that preceded the Great Teddy Vegas 1.0/Teddy Vegas 2.0 Schism. All fondling and arousal thus referenced is purely metaphorical and no free range "naturally" sourced products (or customers) were pleasured or abused in the making of this post.

BITTERSWEET ACCOMPLISHMENT:

Finally overcame the New Year's Eve Thwarting and got my laundry done--only to realize it was comprised almost entirely of running and basketball related garments--and hence would be remaining in pristine laundered condition for quite a long time. They sit beside me now: a cruel, downy soft reminder of my enforced immobilization.

2012-01-01T19:17:00.001-08:00

THE BEST POST OF THE YEAR SO FAR (AND, ALAS, THE WORST).

Not the greatest New Year's Eve or New Year's Day.

I don't want to whine or lament. But they say you shouldn't hide your gifts.

Quipping aside: Here's to the joy of endlessly affirming.

Onwards...to some New Year's fragments:

MYSTERIOUS, SPECTACULAR FALL:

This strangely beautiful photo is alleged to show dead blackbirds mysterious falling from the sky in Arkansas (I believe) on the first day of the new year. An inauspicious End of Times sign indeed. And a nice concrete metaphor (or objective correlative?) for the spectacular demise of the once high-flying Jets. In fact, I wish I could photoshop their logo in there amidst the falling flock. S.M. (or any other of the technically gifted little people out there in the readership): Are you listening?

Yeah. The Jets were a very hard team to love this year. Even a hard team to like. Even a hard team to tolerate. Ever since Santonio Holmes started posturing with his team down 2 touchdowns in the middle of the season, I simply could not bring myself to care in the same way. A little something of the Jets fan within me died.

And that fat coach should shut his trap.

Freaking Santonia Holmes --punk ass "Captain"--not even watching his team from the sidelines in the final minutes?

No tears will be shed for their epic nosedive.

In the terms of Breaking Bad's immortal villain Gustavo Fring: "What kind of team plays like that? No team."

As sports fans, we are imprinted in youth. Our allegiance, over time, assumes the weight of history and nostalgia. We are branded Jets or Giants fans for life, with the first random cathexis. With the first childhood gift of a hat or a ball or a blanket. I have been a Jets fan since the era of the rotary phone. (Which, of course, ended for me about 2 weeks ago.) But if I were shopping for a nominally NY team today, I would definitely pick the Giants. Much greater brand compatibility--at least with Teddy Vegas 1.0. (If not with Teddy Vegas 2.0) No trash talking. No gum flapping. No inane posturing. No pretty boy QB. Just solid, professional, unglitzy and good. But these are not rational decisions. And I am condemned to support (and suffer) Gag Green for the duration of my days.

That said: I really didn't like them this year and felt a certain satisfaction when they fell from the sky.

2011 Jets. Rest in Pieces.

On a much more affirmative New Year's sports note:

MYSTERIOUS, SPECTACULAR RISE:

Not coincidentally, the Knicks' best quarter of the season was also Landry "Canary in the Coal Mine" Fields' best quarter of the season. They were up 35-20 after one quarter, with Landry filling up the box score, Carmelo only taking (and missing) 3 shots and Amar'e not active. The Knicks continued to roll, behind huge performances by Fields, Harrelson (!), Douglas, Walker and Chandler. For the first time all season, there was motion (and mojo) in the offense and determination in the defense. Spacing, selflessness, splendiferousness. Let's see if they can keep it going when Amar'e returns to the line-up.



STORY STARTER SENTENCE:






The night began innocently enough with a couple of whores, three midgets, a lama, a trombone and a box of blow.






RANDOM HEADLINE:




In a quantun freak event, a 0.0 earthquake both hit and did not hit NYC on New Year's Eve.  No damage was reported.




OBSERVATION:




After an initial (and apparently aberrant) inaugural new year win in Word Ferret, the scores are telling me that a heck of lot of people made "kicking ass in Word Ferret" one of their resolutions for 2012!




DESCRIPTION:




He wanted to be invited to the wedding:  As her groom.




UNATTRIBUTED REVISION TO FAMOUS LYRIC:




All you need is love.  Or a fentanyl lollipop.




UNENTHUSIASTIC ASSESSMENT OF A VENUE:




The place is rocking.  Chair.




CURIOUSLY SELF-DAMNING EXPLANATION:




"No no.  Baby Hitler isn't my dog's real name.  His real name is Rufus.  Baby Hitler is just a...uh....term of endearment."






ONION-ESQUE (SHALLOT-LIKE) BUT ALAS ACTUAL HEADLINE:








Siri Tells Kid to Shut the Fuck Up.  








http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/30/apple-siri-curses-at-boy-tells-him-to-shut-up_n_1176952.html






THOUGHT THAT FELL INTO MY HEAD WHILE WALKING THAT I WAS INCLINED--PERHAPS MISTAKENLY-- TO ATTRIBUTE TO ARTAUD:




There are those who have been separated but are not dead.  They have been exiled from their selves, but still live on.




THOUGHT THAT FELL INTO MY HEAD WHILE WALKING THAT I WAS NOT INCLINED TO ATTRIBUTE TO ARTAUD:




God DAMN does my groin hurt! I can't freaking believe I'm not going to be able to run for at least 6 weeks!!




LFAQ:




In an Apple Store, is there anything as analogue as an actual trash can?




Two of the biggest global brands in the world--MJ and Lebron--got engaged to be married (not to each other) within the same week.  Is Nike going to come out with some Special Cross Generational Commitment Shoe?




















NEW YEAR'S WISH:




May you all become your inner giant in the course of the new year...and pay your respects to The Great Blogger at least a few times a week.   (BTW:  That giant dude is Teddy Vegas 2.0.'s ego double!) 




LFAQ:




Seriously, this was  more the worst post of 2012 than it was the best post of 2012, right? 




P.S.  Sorry for the awful spacing nightmare.  Teddy Vegas 2.0 can't figure out what the hell went wrong.  (And Teddy Vegas 1.0 celebrates his abject failure and humiliation.)  Teddy Vegas 1.5 tried about five times to reset the spacing and nothing worked.  He was tempted to just say "Fuck it, I'll break it into two posts...and see if that works."  But then the whole lame conceit of it being the best (or worst) post of the year gets all confused.  Anyhow, we're starting out the year at RAC with a spectacular soiling of the technological sheets.  And so the hell be it!!!

Probably my last post of 2011 (Note to self: When you have your next intimation of imminent mortality, wear the coyote hat not the condom with the reservoir tip hat!)

2011-12-31T15:20:00.000-08:00

PROBABLY THE LAST POST OF 2011

Ok, I will resist the temptation to have a year end retrospective Top Ten Most Important Events of 2011 list--hijacked by the megalomaniacal Teddy Vegas 2.0. (The Great Blogger variant) to include 8 Teddy Vegas blog posts, 1 Chipotle menu addition and one particular purchase of an iPhone--and instead will just roll with whatever thoughts the day has brought my way.

THE THWARTING:

I awakened at the crack of noon, determined to make the last day of the year a productive one. Changing of the sheets, doing of the laundry: What could be more symbolically affirming at the cusp of a brand new year?

Twelve games of Word Ferret, twenty games of Fruit Ninja and a few little musical compositions on Bloom later (Bloom is the iPhone app created by Brian Eno: All hail the Eno-Jobs synergy (Oh blessed Apple: Brander of Experience: Enabler of Humanness: Nest Egg of Vegasness!), I rolled my suitcase of dirty laundry down to the laundromat only to discover that it had--this cannot be!! The Great Blogger forbids it!!!!!-- closed early for the holiday. (Siri: Laundry: Is there an app for that? Well crap. There should be. Siri: Reminder to have the little owners of the laundromat executed at dawn.)

Thus thwarted, I rolled the damn thing back to my building and stuck it in the elevator while I--as is my wont--walked up the stairs. Then I picked it up at the elevator door (this is what a gentleman does.) and escorted it into my apartment.

THE JOLT:

Bending over to attempt to make the bed, I felt a powerful jolt of pain on the left side of my chest cavity; right where my heart is supposed to be. I sat down for a moment and thought about how there's a remote chance this could be a heart attack. After all, this had happened to Arthur Ashe and Peter Maravich --who were both in better shape at the time than your faithful blogger. Then, as the pain subsided, I did the only sensible thing. I put on running clothes and decided I would test the damn hernia with a year end run.

THE INTIMATION OF IMMINENT MORTALITY

Along the way--for, as I noted earlier, it has been my aspiration to be able to write a piece called "Running Your Way Through a Hernia"--I had visions of being found dead on the cusp of the new year--the reservoir tipped white wool condom hat with the ridiculous red ribbon on my head, a few blog drafts saved but unshared (oh to shuffle off the mortal coil with so many poetic and quippic arrows still in the quiver!), countless electronic pages of non blog-destined writings saved in obscure locations under unlikely names, the laundry undone, the hernia unrepaired, the mitzvahs unmonetized, the iPhone purchase unamortized, the eternal agon between Teddy Vegas 1.0 and Teddy Vegas 2.0 unresolved, Jessica Lange, and Charlize Theron condemned to never finding the man with whom they were destined to be...

There. Boom, Like that. Teddy Vegas nee Teddy C, proud creator of the Teddy Vegas Blogging Empire and myriad electronic aliases, dead. Done. Right between breaths and posts. At the threshold of 2012.

The aforementioned condom hat,
in which your faithful blogger
briefly feared being caught dead.
Note to self: When you have your
next intimation of imminent mortality,
wear the coyote hat!

CONCESSION TO REALITY:

Anyhow, curiously, I felt no fear of dying. None. (Which, it should be noted, does not mean that I felt any desire to die.) I simply meditated with each step that this might be the last step I take in this life and if it is, so be it. All good. (I did not, please note, resort to the more cavalier "Whatev..")

I also reflected on the fact that, while I had no recurrence of pain in the heart region, the pain in my herniated peritoneum (and extended groinal area) seemed to be getting worse with each step and so this running thing probably wasn't one of my finest ideas. Definitely not as good as my No Hair Day baseball caps for bald people or even my upcoming iMitzvah iPhone app.

What was a good idea was deciding to stop running and reduce my pace to a fairly brisk walk (during which I was passed, in sandwich-y tandem, by an old woman on a walker and a jogging couple pushing triplets in a fertility enhancement era baby carriage.)

(Oh, incidently, if I neglected to mention: I did not have that heart attack and survived the outing.)

FURTHER AMBULATORY REFLECTIONS:

Anyhow, as I walked kinda sort briskly, I thought for some reason about the place or moment at which shape becomes letter (the becoming letter of shape) --the fateful leap by which we are separated from the thing by its sign. I also thought about the original mutation by which consciousness became aware of itself. I also thought about the fact that it sure looks like I'll never be able to write an article called "Running Your Way Through a Hernia."

QUIPPIC (BUT INDELICATE) RELIEF:

In fact, near then end of my loop--as I looked into the trees and saw them bare: pure forms, ready to be filled with fresh content in the new year--I passed a banner that read "Emerald Nuts Midnight Run." I immediately thought: Emerald? Yeah, that's probably the color my nuts would be if I endeavored this midnight folly with my hernia. Nah...actually something more in the ochre to jaundiced part of the spectrum.

AND, IMMEDIATELY AGAIN, SADNESS:

That said: I felt really sad anew about the hernia as this midnight run sounded like a symbolically perfect way for me to have stepped into the new year.

NEW YEAR'S EVE LFAQS:

New coyote hat ($350: Non tax deductible) or equivalent contribution to the National Resource Defense Council's campaign to protect wildlife (Tax deductible)?

Bullet proof vest/helmet for Teddy Vegas 2.0 or Lee Harvey Oswald rifle (Italian Fucile di Fanteria Modello 91/38) for Teddy Vegas 1.0?

Has the passion of would-be angry protesters been sublimated into the playing of Angry Birds?

Would giving iPhones to the remaining NYC OWS stallwarts undermine their commitment in a week or in two weeks?

MAGNIFICENT:







83















MIAMI HEAT


3-0 (Won last 3)





Timeouts Left: 3















8:38


4th Quarter



Timeouts Left: 4









Team


1


2


3


4


Total


MIA


31


20


31


1


83


MIN


20


33


22


10


85







85















MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES


0-2 (Lost last 2)




















Time


Recent Plays


Play


MIA - MIN


8:38


Miami HeatMIA


Full timeout (Timeout #4)


8:39


Minnesota TimberwolvesMIN


Wayne Ellington makes a 23-foot three-pointer from the left corner. Assist:Ricky Rubio


83 - 85


8:56


Minnesota TimberwolvesMIN


Anthony Tolliver defensive rebound


8:57


Miami HeatMIA


Dwyane Wade misses a 19-foot jumper from the left wing


9:09


Minnesota TimberwolvesMIN


Derrick Williams makes a 26-foot three-pointer from the left wing. Assist:Ricky Rubio


83 - 82


9:21


Minnesota TimberwolvesMIN


Ricky Rubio steals the ball from Norris Cole


9:33


Minnesota TimberwolvesMIN


Wayne Ellington makes a 20-foot pullup jumper from the left corner. Assist:Ricky Rubio

Team	1	2	3	4	Total
MIA	31	20	31	1	83
MIN	20	33	22	10	85

Time	Recent Plays	Play	MIA - MIN
8:38	Miami HeatMIA	Full timeout (Timeout #4)
8:39	Minnesota TimberwolvesMIN	Wayne Ellington makes a 23-foot three-pointer from the left corner. Assist:Ricky Rubio	83 - 85
8:56	Minnesota TimberwolvesMIN	Anthony Tolliver defensive rebound
8:57	Miami HeatMIA	Dwyane Wade misses a 19-foot jumper from the left wing
9:09	Minnesota TimberwolvesMIN	Derrick Williams makes a 26-foot three-pointer from the left wing. Assist:Ricky Rubio	83 - 82
9:21	Minnesota TimberwolvesMIN	Ricky Rubio steals the ball from Norris Cole
9:33	Minnesota TimberwolvesMIN	Wayne Ellington makes a 20-foot pullup jumper from the left corner. Assist:Ricky Rubio

Miami calls a timeout because of Ricky Rubio. Yes, Ricky Rubio almost single-handedly forces a Miami Time Out.

NOT MAGNIFICENT:

Despite being on the ropes all night against the winless T-Wolves, Miami wins it at the buzzer to stay undefeated.

Oh. And the horrible stagnation of the Knicks offense. The absolte absence of any synergy between their two frontcourt superstars. The fact that, together, they are less than the sum of their parts. The fact that D'Antoni really seems to be The Mustache of Mediocrity.

THOUGHT THAT FELL INTO MY HEAD DURING ATTEMPTED RUN WHICH I PERHAPS INCORRECTLY ATTRIBUTED TO NIETZSCHE:

"The day is light. Lighter than nighttime had been aware."

THOUGHT THAT FELL INTO MY HEAD DURING ATTEMPTED RUN WHICH I IN NO WAY ATTRIBUTED TO NIETZCHE:

Autocorrect: So maddeningly convenient!

AND ONE MORE:

It's been another great year posting in your general direction!!

Teddy Vegas 2.0, Teddy Vegas 1.0. Teddy Vegas 1.5 and the entire Teddy Vegas Family wish you all a very happy 2012!!

2011-12-30T12:01:00.000-08:00

THE GREAT BLOGGER THANKS HIS LITTLE READERS.

My day has been made, thanks to the photoshop wizardry of distinguished little reader S.M.

All that is missing is an iPhone held up to my coyote-covered ear.

Teddy Vegas 2.0 exults in this proto-posthumous (or is it para-posthumous?) outpouring of uncritical gratitude and adoration; real megalomania masquerading as mock megalomania.

Seated in the back of his mind's limo (or is it a hearse?), he mo-tweets and mo-blogs about this mo-mentous testament to his greatness. Or, more accurately put: His Greatness.

Yes: "His Greatness." He likes the look of that in His blog app browser text field.

There is no shortage of smileys, capital letters and exclamation marks in these electronic emissions.

Teddy Vegas 2.0. basks in his mortal immortality and the seamless digital celebration thereof, blissfully unaware of the fact that Teddy Vegas 1.0. has strapped an extremely powerful bomb to the bottom of this limo/hearse and stands poised, Super 8 camera in hand, to document the imminent blessed event, Zapruder style.

Teddy Vegas 1.5, sitting high up in the bleachers--beside, incidentally, a very attractive young woman who seems discomfited by his attentive proximity and, perhaps, his uncanny resemblance to the man in the photo as well (oops...she just moved to a more distant seat; how rude!) -savors the tragi-comic poignance of it all.

Love in the Time of Hernia

2011-12-29T15:38:00.000-08:00

RESUMING THE WEEKLY POST FROM THE TEMPORARY (BUT WHAT ISN'T?) APPLE STORE.

I arrive to a huge line of red shirted Apple employees giving a standing ovation to some undetermined someone or something. Upon inquiring, I learn that this is the farewell they give to all departing employees.

Quel esprit de corps! What consummate collegiality! Go blessed brand!!!

(Note to self: Suggest something of the sort at Chipotle--during my next fluffing session. Perhaps modify it for the context. A 21 taco salute? Think more on this.)

This is my second time ever in an Apple Store as an iPhone owner. While it is not quite worthy of an entry in the My First iPhone's First Year book (no, that page has been filled...lovingly!), it still gives Teddy Vegas 2.0 a little Chris Matthews-esque shiver up my leg.

Of course, it also gives Teddy Vegas 1.0 the dry heaves.

LFAQ:

Do they give this festive collective farewell even to employees who are not leaving of their own volition? (Be odd to have applause as the new statistic is being carted out in the beautifully designed iFired rolling shipping box.)

ENHANCEMENT:

In the previously posted Teddy Jung Il fantasy honorary parade, Teddy Vegas 2.0 is in the limo live tweeting and blogging (moblogging for you luddites and nubies) the proceedings while Teddy Vegas 1.0 squats, rifle in hand, on the sixth floor of the nearby North Korean Book Depository with Teddy Vegas 2.0's ever growing cranium smack dab in the middle of his crosshairs.

LFAQ:

Can someone photoshop my coyote hat pic into that photo of Kim Jung Il's funeral procession and make my day? (You know: On top of the car where his photo is: Not in front of the car (or underneath the car!), like some Teddy Vegas 1.0 wiseacre.)

CORRECTION:

In the last post, I meant to list one of the things still made in America as:

"Apologies." I forgot to include the ironizing quotation marks.

IDEA:

On the subway, I see some stylish young dude (tight fitted jacket, designer boots, that zeitgeist haircut) earbuds in ear, flipping though pics of scantily clad women on his iPhone with humorless panache. Then I suddenly see an iTunes music symbol and realize that he has not been scanning through pix from a soft porn site, but rather a batch of contemporary album covers. Which immediately suggests a time killing game (to rival Fruit Ninja: Did I mention I finally broke 100?!?!?):

Porn or Album Cover?

ATTITUDE CHARACTERIZING MY iPHONE INFATUATION:

Completely half serious.

CONCEPT FOR A TEDDY VEGAS 2.0 PROMOTIONAL WEBVID:

Stills of Teddy Vegas 2.0 moblogging in all kinds of humorlessly toolish ways--intercut with shots of him dancing (iPhone in hand: bien sur) to his own karaoke recording of "He's a blogging, blogging, blogging...He's a blogging machine...Oh yes he is." (To the tune of "Dancing Machine.").

We occasionally superimpose the crosshairs of a rifle upon the scene...and then cut back to Teddy Vegas 1.0 (Recognizable by his trusty pile of napkin scribblings and, to be safe, his Teddy Vegas 1.0 wrinkly T-shirt.) squatting and taking aim.

ARTICLE I'D LOVE TO HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO WRITE:

Running your way through a hernia.

PHENOMENON:

Drunk shopping, instead of drunk dialing. Evidently, people are getting wasted and then --fiscal inhibitions disabled--shopping online. When the stuff comes from Amazon, they cannot remember ever ordering it...but are thrilled with the mystery acquisition. The economy is stimulated. The spirits are elevated. (And, yeah, the debt is---whatever. No need to be a buzz kill! American exceptionalism, motherfucker! AMERICAN EXCEPTIONALISM!!!!!!)

Anyhow, hell with QE3. It is starting to seem like handing out liters of Grouse might be the best economic stimulus program of all.

LFAQ:

Have you recommended RAC to anyone today?!?!?!

RANDOM SINGLE SENTENCE PORTRAIT:

He was all about monetizing the mitzvah.

GRIEF, TYRANNY, GRANDIOSITY, EXCEPTIONALISM, KNICKS, SUCKITUDE, LOSS, CHANGE, IPHONES, ETC.

2011-12-29T09:56:00.000-08:00

LIST:

I saw a headline that read: "10 things still made in America."

Instead of reading that list, I decided to make my own:

Mistakes.

Allegations

Comments

Threats

Excuses

Bets

Youtube videos

Apologies

Commercials

iPhones

Delicious Chipotle brand burrito bowls with "naturally raised" meats and locally sourced vegetables..now available with both white AND brown rice---all part of our (i mean their!) commitment to Food With Integrity. By the way: Did I mention how great that shirt looks on you????

Yeah, I just realized that is 11 things, not 10. And to make up for it I will add one more (which you can count as a subtraction). One of the finest things we manufacture in America is this:

Exceptionalism.

So, a list of 10 can include 11 or 8 or 127 things. Who's to say it can't? This is America, Bitches!

And, yeah: No doubt we make some awesome things here too. They're just not as much fun to list.

And yeah, I realize iPhones are really made in China.

CONCESSION TO MY HERNIA OF THE DAY:

None. Absolutely none. Shut the hell up hernia and leave me alone!

CROWD SOURCING:

How much do I give as a holiday tip to a superintendent I almost never see and whom I once asked to help me snake a drain? (Really, you are going to go there with that??? Really, Dan??? :))

Does anyone have a strong recommendation for a hernia surgeon?

BARNES AND NOBLE 2.0 AKA CENTURY 21.

Finally made my first visit to the Century 21at 66th and Broadway, right where the quadriplex Barnes and Noble stood for decades, a proud monument to the lingering literary culture of the Upper West Side. I stopped in to break up a 30 block walk in the cold--and warm my ears if not my heart.

Odd. There, where the Fiction Favorites table used to be (after-images of Jhumpa Lahiri's Interpreter of Maladies, Denis Johnson's Jesus's Son, Marilynne Robinson's Gilead and other neatly stacked paperbacks of note linger) I see a nice selection of women's gloves. There, where the cards, notebooks and Nooks used to be sold, I encounter a smorgasbord of ladies scarfs and hats. On the second floor I find Diane Von Fursteberg dresses instead of Faulker, DKNY instead of Dante, sundry remaindered schmatas instead of Shakespeare etc.

The market has spoken. And it has said that retail designers books do not stand a chance against cut rate designer clothing. (At least in the bricks and mortar realm). I try not to judge. I try not to judge. I try not to judge. But it is odd to navigate the new layout with the ghosts of bookstore past so vivid in the mind. The sudden, efficient swapping out of one category of salable matter for another in an essentially unaltered physical space is so radical, so humbling, so impersonal, so disorienting...so worthy of random comment.

Designer handbags where the childrens' books used to be. Mittens and undergarments where the art books used to be. And--wait--what is this here where the science and math section used to be? Ben Sherman shirts? 50% off?!?

Here's to change.

NBA:

First impressions.

Sadly, no one is going to beat the Heat. Simply in a league of their own. Too young. Too fast. Too motivated (after last year's disappointment in the Finals.). They have gotten better (Shane Battier!) while most of the other main contenders (Lakers, Dallas, Boston) have gotten older and worse. Sure, OKC, Chicago and Memphis have an outside chance. But they won't beat Miami in a 7 game series. This is the reason I was fine with the season being cancelled: The glory of Dallas's transcendent team effort lingering one year longer in the mind. Soon it will be erased and replaced by less transcendent (whch is not to say nausea inducing) images of Lebron and W-Wade hugging.

Yes, I hope I have jinxed them with that premature coronation. With that coy concession to inevitability.

Minnesota and Sacramento will be fun teams to watch.

Portland and the Spurs are being overlooked in the West.

Indiana and Phildelphia are being overlooked in the East.

Only inexcusable free throw mediocrity keeps Rondo from being in The Best PG in the NBA discussion. Until he improves his inexplicable Shaq-esque percentage from the charity stripe, this otherwise extraordinary talent will never deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as CP3, Deron Williams, D-Rose, Steve Nash etc.

Paul Pierce is looking less like a punk.

COOL IPHONE THING OF THE DAY:

Taping people having a whispery conversation on their iPhones in the same room: Echo, distortion, feedback, etc. Found techno-creativity: There's an app for that. (I wish I could figure out how to post the audio tape to which I allude.)

CONTENT UNBEFITTING THE DIGNITY AND GRAVITAS OF THIS BLOG:

Speaking of Kardashian gossip (and, really are we ever doing anything BUT?), it is actually kind of perversely impressive that Sinead O'Connor and her now soon-to-be-ex had a marraige so brief (like 18 days)?) that it made the marriage between Kris Humphries and his erstwhile Kardashian bride seem positively Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell-esque (that's his name, right? And they're still married right?).

CONFESSION:

Yes, I was going to say Bruce and Demi-esque. But then I remembered (oh merciful suppression of painful truth) that they were no longer together.

COMMENT:

Marie Shriver, Susan Sarandon, Demi Moore, Jessica Lange...WTF?!?!

LFAQ:

How many of my readers are netbots and how many are human beings? Head count: Taking attendance. Please indicate which you are and please provide me with some semi-persuasive proof of your alleged status.

APPOSITE REQUEST:

I want to double my readership in the new year. If you can do so in good faith, please recommend these august electronic pages to a friend! Please indulge my need for the illusion of quantifiable progress. Number and measure exist to help afford traction in the face of the infinite. And for this: Unending thanks.

MAGNIFICENT:

No terrible dreamscapes of death and despair!!!!

TYRANNY AND GRIEF: THE MYSTERIES OF MOURNING

Check out the video below. Pretty remarkable footage of the Kim Jung Il Funeral Procession. A friend sent it over with the comment: "Please explain this to me....I just don't get it." Below is my response.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/dec/28/kim-jong-il-funeral-thousands-mourn

1) It looks like the opening ceremony for the Olympics, where Kim Jung Il (who holds the record for 18 straight holes in one) will be competing in the special Golf Exhibition Event.

2) I want one of those processions. While I am living. Perhaps when I succeed--with your abundant help!-- in doubling the readership on my blog. I want the giant photo of me to be the one with the coyote hat. And I want at least a few non Koreans in the mix. Everyone crying--not out of grief--but out of gratitude that they are fortunate enough to exist in the era of Teddy Vegas. Lucky bastards. I want the whole thing videotaped on my iPhone. I also want Teddy Vegas 1.0 in attendance vomiting in disgust.

And finally, my serious response:

3) I understand it completely. It is like a dog with its master. No matter how awful the master is, the dog loves him unconditionally. It is the only master it has and the only master it will ever have. To question that master is to undermine the cumulative meaning of that dog's life. It is unthinkable. This is the condition of the North Korean people, plain and simple. Human beings have a primal attachment to the parent or the leader--which accounts for why people often mourn the loss of a horrible, abusive parent just as intensely as they mourn the passing of a kind and beloved one. There is something both beautiful and terrible about the spectacle of that uncritical grief in the snow.

TEDDY VEGAS 1.0 vs 2.0 UPDATE:

Teddy Vegas 2.0 suffered a bit of a setback when he was suckered by a spam virus warning and unwittingly passed it along to a bunch of friends and associates. The well-intended gesture (replete, of course, with a prefatory apology in case the forwarded warning turned out to be a scam) elicited a bunch of reproachful e-mails from web-savvy friends. "Teddy Vegas 2.0? This is more like Teddy Vegas. 0.0!! Snopes says that virus is at least two or three years old. Just a way of collecting e-mails for prospective marketers." read the typically disdainful correction. (In fairness, a few corrections were kinder and gentler...with happy smiley emoticons and the like. One even said I looked kinda cute in that coyote hat. I was blushing for hours!!) Have to admit, when news of Teddy Vegas 2.0.'s cyber humiliation was received here at Teddy Vegas Enterprises, Teddy Vegas 1.0 gave a celebratory fist pump and Teddy Vegas 1.5 was more amused than ashamed.

KNICKS:

Reality check: Based on last night's performance, the Bockers are still a stagnant and stupid team. "No, New York! No, New York! No!!" Love 'em. But man did they suck. Carmelo and Amare jacking up ridiculous shots. Everyone standing around the perimeter on offense. No one cutting or setting picks. No help on the defensive end. Just completely outclassed by a bunch of young guys playing hard--and without the services of their star poiint guard (the magnificent Stephen Curry, sprained ankle).

A truly embarrassing effort that supports my sense that D'Antoni is no genius as a coach. Any decent leader would have called timeouts or sat down stars the moment he saw the ball sticking and the ballers standing. That said: Happy for former Knicks David Lee and Mark Jackson for their respective roles in kicking our asses.

I suspect they'll bounce back big time against the Lakers tonight.

Well, at least Teddy Vegas 2.0 does. And, as we now know, he's a sucker.

RANDOM SINGLE SENTENCE PORTRAIT:

He had a lot of time on his hands....and, well, yeah, there was some other stuff on them too.