THE TONTO KOWALSKI EFFECT

PHENOMENON OF THE DAY:

Yesterday I checked my hit counter for this blog and discovered, to my surprise and delight, that I had somehow registered more hits in a few hours than I had in any previous entire week. I started trying to figure out how this had happened. Had the seeds of wit, wisdom and wankerishness I've been planting lo these many years spontaneously flowered in perfect synchronicty? Had my blog suddenly hit some tipping point? Had it had been referenced in some heavily trafficked blog or on some well known site? And then it came to me: This must be the work of Tonto Kowalski. Indeed, for once--and I must say, almost as an afterthought-- I had actually provided something of timely informational value to the readership. Something clear and simple and factual. And relevant to a celeb! A Google search for "Tonto Kowalski" quickly confirmed my hypothesis. There-- 12th on the list of 100,000 matches --was Random Acts of Commentary. (Note: It was since mysteriously disappeared from the list. But honest: It was there!).

Anyhow, it was fun while it lasted. Watching that hit counter turning like a digital stop watch. It was like the presidential campaign had made an unscheduled stop on my front stoop or something and my blog was at the center of the world. Today, I am left with the strange feeling of everything slowly and somewhat disappointingly returning to normal. But my loss is your gain--as each of you now represents a much larger fraction of my total daily readership than you would have yesterday. So you have that going for you.

NBA PLAYOFF NOTES OF THE DAY:

Stayed up late to watch Denver-Lakers. Gotta say: Denver is more dangerous than I'd realized. There's no other team in the league with more top tier pure scorers--all able to create their own shot. When Iverson, Carmelo, J.R. Smith and Kleiza are all on fire, they are simply out of control on the offensive end. And with the return of Nene and Kenyon, their interior D is better than I'd thought.

On an aesthetic level, however, it is really unsatisfying to see so much one-on -one play. Their assist to FG ratio is (or at least was last night) staggeringly low. The Lakers play a far more beautiful and satisfying brand of team ball, led of course by Kobe, whose maturation as a player was never more evident than it was during this game--as he managed to put up 49 without ever forcing the action. He alternated artfully between spurts of dominant scoring and periods of consummate playmaking (he had 10 assists)--allowing the threat of each of these offensive modalities to enhance the efficacy of the other.

Watching Chris Paul the other night, I'd decided, there is no way this guy isn't the MVP. But watching last night's game, it was impossible not to feel the same about the (for me, previously hated) Black Mambo. (And yes, it's entirely possible I'll feel the same way about Bron Bron after tonight's exploits.). For the moment, my vote would be 1) Kobe 2) CP3 3) Lebron 4) KG. But there has never in my lifetime been a year with four more truly worthy candidates. And oh yeah, as for my prediction: While I can see why, after a few drinks and a highball, Charles Barkley--I mean Tonto Kowalski--said they could pull off the upset, Theodore Vegas (aka Red Bull Hebrewski) still has the Lakers in 5.

OTHER ALIASES INSPIRED BY TONTO KOWALAKSI BUT ULTIMATELY REJECTED IN FAVOR OR THE INEVITABLE RED BULL HEBREWSKI: (Nee RED BULL JEWSKI).

Tecumseh Kaminski
Pontiac Grotowski
Crazy Horse Walesa
Sitting Bull Milosz
Ronkonkoma Hebrewski

LFAQs:

After blowing save opportunity after save opportunity in every playoff series I've ever seen him in and having blown what would have been Greg Maddux's 350th win last night, Trevor Hoffman more than merits the quesion: Has anyone ever blown more big saves?

Which big trade is looking worse in the post season so far: The Suns trading Marion for Shaq or the Mavs trading Harris and Co for J-Kidd?

Has any creature ever lost more status through an act of renaming than the mystical ancient Egyptian scarab who is now known as the dung beatle?

Is Chipotle the only company in the world to begin its earnings report with a reference to Michael Pollan's book "In Defense of Food?"

Does its having done so bode well or badly for their stock price?

CONCEPT OF THE DAY:

The feckless stalker. He is so erratic, inefficient and downright inept at his craft that he only manages to see his stalkee once every few years--usually at a class reunion.

Or maybe it's just the slacker stalker--with absolutely no work ethic or commitment to his chosen pursuit.

FUNNY THING TO OVERHEAR WHILE WALKING BY SOMEONE'S OFFICE:

"I want to assure you that this is not sexual harassment."

RANDOM SINGLE SENTENCE PORTRAIT OF THE DAY:

He kept confusing his fake arrogance with his fake humility.

TRIBUTE OF THE DAY:

To J. --In Memoriam.

Another light has been put out in the imaginary sky. We raise a glass of champagne in your memory. May you rest in peace.